A thank you to my Gold Standard. My "Council of Five".
There have been five men in my life on an almost daily basis this last year. While I don’t mean to discount all the others that have been there for me, part of why DB was able to manipulate me and mess with my head was that I was young and naïve and really had no experience with men so that I had no frame of reference to see how what he was doing was wrong. He had me convinced that all men were like him and you just never saw it. Because I was young, naïve and inexperienced, I missed many warning signs because of this. But, I know better now. I consider you five to be my gold standard. You five, along with many others I call dear friends, are now who I look to as measure. Any man who wants to be in my life has some pretty big shoes to fill. And he will be judged harshly. If he cannot live up to the expectations I now have because you five have shown me that I can expect that level of kindness from men in my life, he does not deserve a single moment of my time. Thanks to you, I now feel that I have absolutely every right in the world to expect this kindness and patience from a man. And, most of all, that I deserve it. I have learned he was an anomaly. I have learned to expect much much much more then what I had settled for.
Thomas. You were the first to say to me that something didn’t seem right. You were the first to pick up on how sad and frightened I was. I thought I had done a good job hiding my misery (no one wants to listen to a complainer) but you could sense something was wrong. I called you that night. And I told you what he did to me. I told you every embarrassing horribly TMI detail (and you are the only person that knows some of that still) and was so terribly frightened you would think less of me and you didn’t. Instead you immediately pulled me close and was there for me. I still remember that night you told me I was safe and that I was loved. One year later, you have not once missed a night of telling me that. Over 365 times you have told me you love me and that I am safe. You never missed a night. Not once. You have given me more love and comfort from so far away that I never got from a man that sat ten feet away in my own home. You have remembered me each and every holiday big and small. You have always been there when I reach out. From hours on the phone discussing literature and poetry, films, history, politics, music, beer, and Robert E. Howard to our movie nights. You always reached out to include P with a movie or making sure there were presents for her when you sent one for me. Those nights he promised to call her but would then disappear for days, you called to ask her how her day was and tell her good night. You patiently responded to her texts riddled with smile faces and exclamation points. You were there for both of us, not just me. This year you have texted me hugs, Shakespearian sonnets, haikus you wrote about me (I saved them all), and told me that I didn’t have to pretend to be strong or happy or tough or calm or together or sane with you and that was such a comfort when I had to pretend to be all day at work and then at home. I could not have made it through this year without you. You are my best friend forever. I love you.
My Gay Boyfriend. If anyone wins the award for listening to me cry the most, it would be you, hands down. How many times have you called me as I drove home and just listened to me sob? Too many. You are the only one who knows I sound like a baby elephant when I try to blow my nose after that much crying. I think the most important thing I learned from you this year was how to be more prepared to understand men. DB attempted to blow off what he did to me by making an out of the blue announcement that he had decided he was a “Dom” and that handy little label suddenly excused him from all responsibility. You stepped up quickly and ripped his pathetic cover up attempt wide open. This year, you have taught me the difference between dominance, sadism, and abuse. I now understand what he did to me was 100% pure and simple abuse no matter what pretty adjectives he wants to apply or what fancy labels he tries to hide it under. You have helped me understand there is a difference between a man who is assertive and a man who is aggressive. Between a man who is self-centered versus self confident. Between a man who is strong and a man who is violent. You have helped me understand how I wasn’t stupid but I was inexperienced. From endless games of Words with Friends over the miles, to static laced phone calls to check on me from where ever you happened to be in the world that day, World Cup discussions (sorry about Brazil) to shoe shopping, to wandering the streets with me in the dark searching for cappuccino (we never found one, did we?) you have been there for me in so many ways. Some days when I was just beside myself with frustration or sadness or confusion, you would simply say, “I adore you.” And no matter how bad it was…that always made me smile. Please don’t ever stop saying that to me.
My “Ace”. I actually met you right around when all the proverbial shit was hitting the fan. You watched my marriage crumble and you sort of just slid on in and just acted like you had known me for years. You reached out to me when you didn’t have to. I was a mess and you could have just smiled politely and excused yourself but instead you jumped in with the rest of them, grabbed a mop and started to help me clean up. I never asked, you just did it. Considering the ex would have a juvenile fit if I asked him to wash a dish…you making that level of effort just to be my friend was pretty amazing to me. Over the last year I have gotten to know you and you are a good man. A kind man. A funny man. I have bounced things off you, looking for an unbiased opinion. Consistently you have shown me that a man can be nice and kind and thoughtful. Your good morning texts, sharing virtual iced teas at Starbucks, texting me the “footie” scores during the games while I was busy and couldn’t watch (Seriously… Liverpool?), you letting me dump details of what he did to me that last night and reconfirming to me that I was right to be hurt, upset, and he was a bad man…that all helped. You have made me laugh and you have made me cry (but in a good way). I am so glad you saw something in me that made you want to be my friend. It gives me hope that others will, too. I truly value your presence in my life this year.
Alpha Male. The night before I met you, the ex nearly crushed my wrist during a violent tantrum when I refused his request to take him back. That next morning you shook my hand and I almost crumpled to the floor from the pain. At the time I thought everyone here was a former Marine and I recall thinking “you can’t be weak in front of the Marine! No tears!” When you left, I closed my office door and cried so hard because it hurt so bad. You are fully aware of the state of things when I took that role over. Work alone was stressful but trying to do what I did while at the same time excise myself from an abusive relationship was almost more then I could handle. He had “trained” me that it was bad to ask questions. It was bad to ask for help. But I had to ask someone so I could do my job. You were my “go to guy” for questions. You knew everything and didn’t get mad if I asked. Considering just a month prior to that I was with a man who would get mad at me for asking him what kind of mustard he wanted on his sandwich…that was a big deal to me. That day I asked you not to dismiss me from a meeting and explained to you why I was doing what I was doing, I am not sure you will ever know how frightened I was of you that day. That you did not make a nasty remark, that you did not say something rude or unkind, that you did not get a chip on your shoulder and treat me like dirt afterwards for simply expressing myself and my needs left an indelible mark. That was the first time in years I had stood up for myself and not been punished or screamed at or had something thrown at me. I was relieved that you did NOT do what I had been conditioned to expect. And that day I told you how I had done on the project… I was totally taken back by your reaction. You probably can’t even remember because all you did was smile and shake my hand but in ten years of marriage whenever I accomplished something huge he would simply roll his eyes or put me down or minimize the accomplishment. Over this last year you have probably been one of the most important of my five because you did not know much of what was going on. You had no idea. I always wondered if the others were only being nice because they knew. You were my constant variable. You were nice because you were nice. And that was that. From entertaining my endless questions about work without once getting an annoyed look on your face, your thoughtful observations that the things he always made fun of me for or insulted me for (being organized, my attention to detail, trying hard, my handwriting, or just doing a good job) were not something to be ashamed of but to be proud of, to talking about my upcoming trip and Chelsea, you may not think you made a difference to anyone this year, but you made one to me. I thank you for that.
Captain Awesome. Last but certainly not least. We met in April when you started to train me at the gym. One hour a week quickly turned into six days a week, sometimes multiple hours a day. You have gone so far above and beyond the call of duty that I still have to wonder sometimes if you are real. You have not just trained my physical body but you have started to retrain my MIND. You took a woman who had been discouraged from going to the gym because he told her it was a waste of time into a woman that looked forward to it. You took a woman who saw exercise as some chore that had to be checked off a list to a woman who, if she was having a bad night, would start to itch to put on her running shoes and go outside under the stars and run. You took a woman who just two years earlier had gone through open heart surgery and had to relearn how to stand up and walk…who had barely been able to walk for one minute on a treadmill at the lowest setting before the surgery to a woman who completed a 5k with you. I will never forget breaking down and crying in the corner of the weight room with you, telling you that you had to make me stronger and FAST! I was looking at how much I was bench pressing and how much more he weighed and if I struggled to push that I would never be able to push him off me if he came after me again. So many times you have stood there and talked low and gentle to me: You can do it, you have it in you, I know you’ve got this, you’re my girl, I am here, I won’t let you get hurt, I am not going anywhere, I am not leaving, I am here for you, I am your biggest fan, you are beautiful. I sometimes still cry that you could just say those things to me as a matter of course and my own husband never could be bothered to. Your hugs have been spontaneous and comforting and kind. When my dad had to go to the hospital and I had to bring P with me Saturday night, you sat with her and held her hand when she wanted to come over and watch. I’ll never forget how kind you were to her as she hung onto your arm and watched with big eyes. From tears on the treadmill, blowing myself away with how much iron I can pump and how far I can run, helping me move my house, remembering P and having her come to the race with us, coffee at Caribou, the most god awful cheesy texts back and forth (but it’s okay cause were are super cool like that), and needing a rappelling certification to climb into your truck. You introduced me to Jack Brown’s and you were the only one of my five there when I got my ink. You have been an awesome friend this year and I am so glad I met you.
KG… you were not part of the original five. Not because you aren’t an awesome friend but mostly because our communication was sporadic at best this year with how busy you are with work and living several states away (and I think I talk to your wife more than you). The five had been the ones that I had pretty much dealt with, seen or talked to on an almost daily basis through the year. But Saturday night, you won a point for “the guys” yourself. With Andie setting up her photography business and wanting to shoot me for her portfolio for over a year now, I know we have talked and joked about a photo shoot for a long time. Saturday night, after we took the “regular” pictures, Andie had offered to take some photos of the open heart surgery scars as I had not been able to take a proper or decent pic on my own. I had thought about it a lot and we have been friends for SO long that I decided I was just going to be casual and if you happened to be there when we did the scar pics I wasn’t going to make a fuss about making you leave. I see how you work with her on the lighting and angles and after the Corset Malfunction Debacle on the dance floor at Rob’s club, it’s not like you haven’t already seen them by accident anyway as we joke about that moment every time we all get together… After having cancer, a baby, breastfeeding and open heart surgery…my “modesty” factor is pretty neutral. So I just decided not to fuss about it. But a funny thing happened. All the joking and teasing and silliness over the years and here was your big opportunity WITH her AND my permission to see them in their full glory and you turned around and didn’t look. Without my asking. You suddenly got serious and realized how sensitive I might be about this and out of courtesy for our friendship you turned your head and refused to look. That really amazed me. Seriously. I said this to you on Sunday and your reply was, “Yes, I missed nipples. YOUR nipples. That's real love. ;-)” And you are correct. Thank you. I won’t tell everyone and ruin your bad reputation but you are a good guy.
The tattoo I got was of the quote: L’amor est patient, l’amor est gentil. Love is patient. Love is kind. I got it in French instead of Italian as it meant more to me that way and I adore when Del speaks French to me. I got it on my left inner wrist so I would see it always and never forget. The pictures have been deleted from my phone. All I have is my reminder of you good men. A smile instead of tears.
This is a new year. No more focus on the pain and the hurt. It’s time to look forward to happy things, a new life, and exciting adventures. I got a second chance at life and I won’t let this one go to waste.
He has disappeared it seems. At the writing of this memo, he has not seen or spoken to P in six months. The last text I got from him was a thank you for hiring an attorney with great tits he could stare at as he signed away all legal custody of P. (It was the paralegal, not my attorney and I grant that she has a magnificent rack but, seriously, you just signed away your daughter and THAT’s all you have to say?). I probably forgot to mention that the five (six)of you share one more redeeming quality and that is the possession of a fully functioning BRAIN.
I hope y’all have a very merry Christmas and the happiest and most successful of new years. And thanks again for being so awesome. All of you!
(Original Letter Written December 2010)
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