Today's Tarot Reading

I have recently made a tremendously big decision in my life. The catalyst was a conversation I had with Alpha Male and while in that initial discussion I absolutely balked at following through with his advice, I knew in my heart he was right. I made my case as we sat in a Five Guys burger place eating lunch. I tried to articulate myself maturely and professionally but it was very emotional for me and I did end up tearing up several times. I was afraid. He is a good man and he listened to my fears and acknowledged them and compassionately understood them. He knows so much about what I have been through that I could see the empathy in his face and I could see him struggle to find a way to reconcile or assure me. He didn’t push the issue and he didn’t insult me or try to manipulate me. He listened and then let it rest as we turned to a much more important topic, him opening his birthday presents. We ended lunch on a happy note and left the emotional topic hanging and on hold.

I kept thinking about what he said. And I kept thinking about my arguments. My “excuses”. My attempts to justify not making that decision. The longer I thought about it, the more I was able to look at that emotional moment and see how ridiculous I was being. Okay, maybe not ridiculous but scared. Afraid. Worried. I didn’t say anything though. Neither did he. We just left it alone. About a month later we were in a meeting and we were learning some things and discussing others. All through the meeting, prompted by the things I was learning and that he was surreptitiously reminding me of in front of everyone without appearing to be addressing me specifically, I thought about it again. And then I couldn’t stop. The more I thought about it the more I felt like suddenly I had stepped onto a runaway train towards a new destination I had not intended to hurtle towards that day but I was nonetheless.

The meeting finished and we continued conversation with a colleague  and as we talked, I felt like my world which had been an event horizon full of puzzle pieces was suddenly falling in upon me. Not in a bad way like the puzzle pieces were pelting me and causing injury but in an enlightened exciting and into place way. So that I could see a bigger picture. It’s hard for me to articulate that I had about a dozen different lines of thought going all at the same time but that’s exactly what was happening. For those familiar with the Copenhagen Interpretation of quantum physics, it refers to the fact that the act of measurement causes the set of probabilities to immediately and randomly assume only one of the possible values. The collapse of the wave function. As we stood there talking, I felt various wave functions collapsing around me. Maybe that is a fancy way to say that I made a decision. But, it really was more than a decision, it was a realization.  

The wave functions that collapsed that day were: 

1.       I had felt for a long time like my life was “over”. Not in a melodramatic woe is me way but in a “I’m an old lady and I lost my chance to be something” way. I had let douche bag distract me from my dreams and school and learning and growing and I had invested my time and energy into helping him realize his dreams instead because I thought that is what a good wife did. Then I woke up twelve years later and he had his dreams and I had lost that time to go after mine. Recently, I had started to feel like maybe that was not necessarily the case. Sure, I have topped out at the current career I am in but Alpha had woken in me an old dream and desire. Where douche bag had laughed at my dreams or put them down or gently suggested in that manipulative way of his that I was being unrealistic or silly and that no one would give me that chance because I was (pick one) a girl/fat/old/stupid/a cunt, Alpha has only ever given me encouragement and support. He had made me start to think, “I can do this and I can be good at it and there is an opportunity for me!”

2.      The decision centered around an item I had grown very close to leading up to the separation and then through it and then after it because it had offered me a quiet and secret comfort when so much else in my life was not right or happy. It had been my security blanket and I was clinging to it like a small child, terrified to give it up or go without it. In reality, a child’s security blanket or stuffed animal is nothing but cloth but anyone who has been a child or had one knows how incredibly powerful it is as a symbol or charm or talisman. And that is what I had. A symbol. A charm. A talisman. The real power of it was what I gave it in my mind, not what it manifested itself as externally. 

3.      I had imbued this charm with special powers and attributes and wisdom and intelligence and strength and bravery and beauty. All those things I felt I did not have but could acquire if I just kept that charm with me. If I had it, then I would also be brave and smart and pretty and strong. However, just like in the Wizard of Oz, that talisman never possessed those attributes and there was no wizard to give them to me if I turned it in for exchange. They were there and in me all along. 

4.      My world had been this long tunnel. Married, unhappy, a mom, years to look forward to of being married to a man who didn’t love me or care. Watching my dreams wither and die. Feeling alone and unwanted and useless and just going through the motions until I retired and died. Since I regained my freedom, I have done many things that broke me out of that long tunnel and up out into the glorious spring world of new beginnings. Working out, completing my first triathlon, actually making and having real friends. The one thing that had still been stuck in a rut was my career. It’s not a terribly difficult one and it does not engage my brain the way I like but it paid the bills and provided for a future. But, I didn’t love it. When our colleague left, Alpha turned to me and said he had three new learning assignments for me and I leapt for my notebook and GLEEfully wrote them down. I did not want to go back to work I wanted to go “play” with this new assignment and figure it out! …..pause. I felt it. Joy. Absolute joy at being able to do something. I never had that joy in my entire life of work or my current career. But I felt it pure and true at that moment. And, then I knew. I love this. I can do this and it makes me smile.

There were several other minor wave functions collapsing at that time but those were the big ones. And as I walked back to my office, I made the decision. He was right. He was always right. Five minutes later, Neiman Marcus called me about something we were planning to do later that week and I told her I was going to do it. She was very quiet (it was pretty huge) and then was excited and immediately supportive. She asked if I had told Alpha yet and I said that I had just made the decision. She immediately suggested we have a party and there should be cupcakes. I think she would have suggested we have cupcakes even if I had been planning to off myself or rob a bank but that’s why I love her.

I felt relief when I told her. And I felt relief when I told Alpha a few minutes later. I think that relief was a sign I had made the right decision. Then I told Thomas and he was a hundred percent behind me. Then I started to tell a select few others. Everyone so far has been VERY supportive. I would be lying if I said it still wasn’t scary. And some nights I wonder if I am making the right decision for a variety of selfish reasons. So, I decided to consult the tarot. Keep in mind, I do not “believe” the cards predict anything. I see them as a tool to use to prompt the mind to consider deeper meaning in a situation or to prompt a more thorough analysis of the problem or question at hand. The cards blew me away and I felt very much better after consulting them. The image I held in my head as a question was Alpha Male’s face during our last conversation and a question mark around my decision and the future. This is what I received (it was a simple three card past present future layout):

PAST: The card I drew here was The Lovers. While some not familiar with tarot might think it’s a sexual romantic card, it is not necessarily. When we talk about the subject of lovers, there are other factors that come into play. Such as issues relating to trust, respect, devotion, commitment, compatibility and compassion. In fact, any time we enter a new relationship, whether it be for love or friendship, we are in a give and take position. The Lovers card is a reminder that balance is essential. Although the heightened experience of whirlwind passion is incredibly delicious - deep inside we know that this experience alone doesn't make a solid foundation. This is where temptation makes its appearance. We're tempted by the trappings of certain things in a relationship (sex, money, prestige) but at its core, the Lovers card represents "the package deal," and this card reminds us that we are all capable of having that whole package deal in a relationship. On the card, the Lovers eyes are locked and looking deeply into each other that indicates an unspoken form of communication. The eyes are the windows to the soul and when we are in a relationship we open our souls to each other. Eye contact is all about subtle expression and communication. This card clearly expresses the importance of communication on all levels of any relationship. On some versions of this card such as the one I drew, there is also a lily which can be a symbol of vulnerability, and the freedom to be ourselves. With no restraints or expectations, relationships take on a more natural development. The Lovers are nude and this is the ultimate form of expression and the ultimate letting off of our guard. After the clothes are off - there's nothing more to hide. It is an external expression of complete trust and vulnerability. Nudity is a powerful symbol- it gets the point across that something very profound (trust, love, self) is being shared here. This card spoke very directly to my past with Alpha Male and how he has been such a role model and friend as well as a trusted advisor. When I told him who I was, I put myself in a position more vulnerable than if I had been physically naked. He has taught me I can trust again. He has taught me that men can be supportive, loving, communicative and protective. This card very much represents my “past” with him and builds a solid foundation for the rest of the reading.

PRESENT: The card I drew here was the Emperor. The Emperor is an authority figure and tends to symbolize advice, wisdom, authority, and grounding. The Emperor has obtained his wisdom through experience. He's been through the wars, he's ruled his people wisely, and he's experienced all life can throw at him. What better source for advice than a battle-tested, thoughtful, strategic ruler? An excellent source of wisdom and advice. He does not become carried away by fad or fancy - he sees through the most clever of disguises and nothing slips by his scrutiny.

As it pertains to business, it encourages one to consider all the facts, revisit our strategic plans, reconsider our partnerships and re-evaluate our allegiances. If you are unsure of circumstances, the Emperor reminds us that sometimes "doing" is the only  method we have for "knowing." This was such a powerful synchronicity for what I am doing with school right now and with him that I had to smile. The Emperor is a master of his own making, and when he shows up in a reading one should realize their own inner strength and motivation and what role it takes in making you a leader. Again, this card was spot on. Alpha’s card can certainly be seen as the Emperor (amusing also in reference to my Empress title) and its description of his role as a trusted and wise advisor was almost eerie in its accuracy as applicable to our relationship. Because the question mark in the image I held as I “asked” referred specifically to him and my career, the advice to consider all facts, and re-evaluate my current situation is, indeed, what had been done and I felt it was confirmation that I had done the right thing and made the right decision.

FUTURE: The card I drew here was Judgment. For those who have a Judeo-Christian background, this card is not so much a reference to that kind of religious judgment but more symbolic of honesty with oneself. Judgment plays a part in every life in every day. We make judgment calls about how to raise our children. We use good judgment about how we manage our finances. We need judgment to determine what career we want to have. It is not about judging against others. It has nothing to do with negative judgments made against our actions or against other people.  The quote, "Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever" speaks to this and is applicable not just to this decision but also to the body image and confidence issues I am still struggling to reconcile. It is said that if this card comes up in a reading then we may be at a crossroads, and it is time to rise up and transform our lives. It can come at a pivotal time when we must be honest with ourselves, judge what best action should be taken and rise up to the challenges to embrace our best life. When we openly embrace the new-found knowledge of our life direction we are able to more effectively move into a new direction. Knowledge is power and we become powerful ourselves. The horn that appears on this card is a symbol of our inner calling. When we've been stuck in a situation that does not serve us we hear the horn of our inner voice urging us to move in a direction more fulfilling to our soul purpose. And, finally, the flag. The flag is an announcement to change - something has shifted and a flag makes the world aware of this shift. It is a bright, bold obvious sign that a new day is dawning. This is not about subtle shifts - the flag is about "in-your-face" transformation; an event to announce to all who will hear.   I shouldn’t even have to explain how that is so completely applicable to my situation and the question I held as I shuffled.

I feel good about this decision although I confess to some residual fear. I think, however, the fear is simply that of the small child letting go of the security blanket and not of any real tangible danger or detriment. It is time to set aside the talisman and symbolically assimilate the attributes I have imbued in it. It is time to realize, like the cowardly lion did, that I am brave and beautiful and strong and smart. And, I have been all along. It’s time to stop feeling out of place and time to start making my place. It’s time.