I Quit

I did. I was trying to do my first set of squats with just the bar to warm up this morning and I just could not focus. My mind was all over the place, my right knee felt off, I could hear it click and pop. Other muscles were sore or felt weak.

I suddenly felt angry and disappointed that I couldn't find the zone and my body didn't seem to want to participate today. Then... For the first time ever... I lost my balance. 

My torso shifted back and I felt the bar pulling me back mid squat and I was terrified I would fall and fuck my back up or break my arm and I went into complete panic mode. I wrenched myself forward and managed to recover without falling down or getting hurt. I shakily tried a few more but I could feel the anxiety and my brain was a mess so I stopped. I quit.

I realized that my state of mind was not contributing to a safe workout so I stopped. I was all alone in the weight room so I just rested my forehead on the bar and cried silently.

I allowed myself a few minutes to just be sad, depressed, and weak. Then I forced myself to do eight perfect squats with the bar. Then I officially racked it and quit.

I went down and did some sets of bench press then I flopped on the leg press with a few plates, closed my eyes and just pushed. I did not count. I did not care. I just pushed until my hamstrings requested a break, I gave them a short one, then I started pushing again. Over and over until it was time to leave. 

I am in a funk now but I know it will pass. Life is still good... Some days are just harder than others.

Sexy ____

So, I am online looking at Halloween costumes and I notice that pretty much EVERY girl costume name is predicated by the word "sexy"

Sexy Nurse

Sexy Cop

Sexy Referree

Sexy Ghost

Sexy....

You get the idea. I don't think there was a single teen costume that did not have the word "sexy" in front of it.

Now, you know I don't have any issues with sex. I think it's a wonderful fun thing. But it did make me sad to see that. To see such a blaring in your face example of what girls are hit with all growing up: you MUST be sexy and desirable.

And it's all the same focus: tits and legs and ass.

And then girls wonder why they end up with douche bags that care more about their tits than their heart.

I'm not saying all men are like that, of course. And there is nothing wrong with being sexy or having a fabulous body. It's great. BUT I think I just don't like the cookie cutter options we are presented with. I do not like having some marketing fuckwad dictating to me what is and isn't sexy.

I heard a commercial on the radio while driving to work the other morning. It was the voice of this sexy woman telling men: you know what women REALLY want? Sexy abs and a high libido. And she was nearing orgasm as she marketed the product they were trying to get men to buy.

I got mad. Really mad. I said out loud to no one: Fuck you, you stupid bitch. You don't speak for me. I had sexy abs and a libido from hell for twelve years and in the end it was an abusive douche who didn't give two shits about me. You know what women REALLY want? Not to be treated like a disposable blow up doll. I prefer some flesh and even, yes, a little fat because I know now that a perfect body doesn't mean they are a good person.

I know it was just some voice actress.

I know the marketer is just doing his (or her) job.

I know no one could hear me.

But I said it. And I meant it. Each day, I grow more weary of the heard and all its accoutrements. I grow weary of the constant bleet of the sheep and the "hiyah!" of their herders. 

Ah well. My hair is dry. Time for another day mingling on the field of the human herd.

Star Log Update 10.23.2013

Had a frabjous weekend helping host an International event that I'd been helping to plan. Best part? Invited Alpha to be my guest and we spent two whole full days together. I also competed in a contest for the first time and placed in the top ten. I was stunned I even got one set of points let alone four so the true reward was everything I learned participating. Seeing my name ranked on the leaderboard was just gravy. 

Everything is so crazy busy catching up after the shut down. We have to wait on people to plow through the paperwork that piled up while they were gone so I am trying to be gracious and patient with them as it is not their fault. School is in full swing, an A and two Bs so far. First individual project is due this weekend then I roll into the group project which I already have marching orders for that's followed by another individual project. 

My internship is going well. I managed to wrangle permission to intern during work hours and not have to take vacation to do it. Since it is a.) internal and b.)in a field they are desperate to hire for then it was a no brainer. So now, a few times a month I work in a different location doing different things and beefing up my resume with new stuff. 

Not much else is new. Have another big work event I am hosting next week then looking forward to a relaxing Halloween as P and Alpha's son are going trick or treating together and we are going to hang out with them that night.

My hair is dry now so must dash!

Xoxoxo

J

I Tried To Quit

I tried to quit.

Captain Awesome had been discussing my schedule and stress at trying to workout AND be more disciplined with my nutrition. He said to me that to be honest, I didn't really even need to workout if I'd just double down on my attention to food.

This is important as after two tris under my belt, I really want my new focus this next year to be towards making my weight goal. I plan to do another Tri next year but the focus now needs to be more on my weight and making my goal. So. I tried to quit.

It wasn't hard to get busy with other stuff and focus more on school and work and P. But...

I had started to use my running as a coping technique for stress. For depression. For frustration. For all sorts of things. When I stopped.... Big surprise, I started to turn towards food again for that. It's easy and fast and I justified it with the fact I had been doing so well but....

But, that's not good. I'm slipping back into old bad habits. I don't want to go back to those. I don't want to be that girl again. I like the new me who is happy and throws on her running shoes or lifts like a beast to trample stress. Not the girl who relied on a croissant to hug her sadness.

So. I have to go back. I can't quit. I have been even more stressed, depressed, and moody since I tried.

I made the decision last night and when I finish this post I am lacing up and heading out. When I get back I will sit down and work on my menu for this week and do my damnedest to be better about it. 

But I can't give up my running.

I won't give up my running.

I'm addicted and I think that's a good thing.

Onward.

Busy Town

Remember Richard Scarry's Busy Town books as a child? Oh how I wish my busy life was that dull. My most exciting moment of the day as Mother Cat would be to trip over Lowry Worm or to see the Gorilla in his banana mobile had lost all his bananas on Main Street.

Alas. 

Life here is still good. The govt shutdown is the hot topic round these parts. I'm still working and getting a paycheck although there are days I wish I wasn't SO essential. Hopefully those knuckleheads in town will sort this out soon. My 8k was canceled due to the shutdown so waiting to see when that is rescheduled. And I've added yoga to my gym schedule.

P was invited to the ren fest by Alpha's son and we spent a truly awesome day with them. The kids had an absolute blast and I have adorable pictures of them in their costumes. Their next get together is trick or treating at the end of this month. 

School started up again and I'm in my last class so that's taking a lot of my time along with new projects at work and covering for those deemed less essential. Oh, I also managed to wrangle an internal internship in my new field so add that to my pile. I am burning the candle at both ends but I feel the investment will be worth it. 

My new guilty pleasure with P is Plants vs Zombies :) Merlin bought it for her and she got me hooked so we like to cuddle on the couch and play on the iPad when there's a spare moment.

I don't have much exciting to say. The rest of this month will focus on work, school, and preparing for Thomas' birthday. I'm so excited as I got him lots of lovely prezzies :)

On that note, my hair is dry now so must dash!

Why not you?

I have been super busy with school starting and work. I have also been helping a new friend in an abusive situation get safe.

I had never met her but if you believe in fate or destiny then I am sure that explains how suddenly we have met. We really are strangers to each other. This is probably why last night she was asking why. Why would a complete stranger help her? No one else ever had. Why her? 

I wanted to cry and did, having felt that before. Heck, still feeling it now every once in a while. 

There are two ways to respond to evil in this world. Let it punch you and stay down. Or, get back up and look it square in the face and say,

"You hit like a bitch."

Is it ironic that a Satanist speaks of fighting evil? Yes....or no... I suppose it depends on who you are and what you believe.

I know who I am and I believe that blowing out another's flame doesn't make yours any brighter. And I don't care what religion, faith, or creed you are or if you claim none: if you are abusive to even one person or animal in this world, you ARE evil. I think the new Pope would agree with me ;)

I have a busy day so must be off but I wanted to post this quote I was thinking of last night when she asked me that: