My Tits

I had such a wonderful day. I was so happy and excited and on top of the world. I impressed someone important that I had respect for and to be seen as competent and intelligent and capable and so full of potential in his eyes was such an enormous compliment. No, this wasn't Alpha. Even though I am still moved when I impress HIM, this person was maybe four or five "wows" above him just in terms of age, tenure, experience, background, and current role. Those who are close to me knew this big day was coming and I was going to spend the day with him and have the chance to shine and how hard I had prepared and all the little things I did to set myself apart and above my peers in his eyes and to have such positive and glowing feedback was truly a big deal to me.

I was walking on air and GBF had sent me a note asking to let him know how it went. So, I did. I gushed like a school girl about it and his reply was,

"You impressed him in a big way or did your BIG cleavage impress him?  ;)"

I was sitting alone in my car having just returned from lunch with this person I had impressed and I read that and it was like he had reached out with a pin and popped my happiness balloon. Oh, sure. I know he didn't mean I was stupid or the only way I could impress a man was with my tits but still....

It crushed me. It truly crushed me. I just sat there in my car as the storm clouds gathered and tried desperately to summon that floating on air, I am SO fucking awesome, yay me! feeling I was just enjoying not two minutes prior and it was gone. Like someone smacked me in the face. Or punched me in the stomach. Or pushed me down some steps. A total sucker punch. Wow. I just sat there.

Do I get mad? Do I just laugh it off so I don't get accused of not having a sense of humor? Do I just ignore it? I just sat there. Hurt. Angry.

How dare ANYONE suggest that I am only worth my tits. db used to do that all the time. I sometimes wonder if he just married my tits and was actually shocked and surprised that an actual person was part of the package. I have had big tits all my life and have had to endure YEARS of comments, jokes, laughing, teasing, and insults about them. From horny men to jealous girls I went from the third grade (B cup already) to my adult life always hearing about my tits. I tried to laugh it off. I tried to be proud of them. I tried to joke along with everyone. I tried to confess not liking them to those who were jealous. I tried to hide them with huge baggy clothes. I tried to flaunt them with sleek pretty clothes. Some days I feel like my entire life has revolved around trying to anticipate who was going to think what about them then trying to accommodate them to avoid being insulted and teased or accentuate them to be liked and loved.

I was so hurt and angry that with all the things I have accomplished and done and achieved to reduce ALL of that to: oh, it was your tits that impressed him.

Not my knowledge.
Not my certifications.
Not my THREE degrees.
Not my awards.
Not my brilliant problem solving.
Not my keen skills of analysis.
Not my clever solutions.
Not my demonstrated ability to lead.
Not my organizational prowess.
Not my tactical brilliance.
Not my strategic vision.
Not my stellar vocabulary.
Not my extensive and unique experience.

No. My tits.

All that was worth no more than piss in a bucket because woo hoo I had pretty tits!

Sigh.

I decided I was sick and tired of it. I needed to push back. I needed to say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I am not my looks or my appearance or my tits or my ass or any of that. Amusingly enough, this is a man who has gone out of his way to tell my my appearance doesn't matter and I should not worry about what others think of my looks but focus on impressing them as ME. And he goes and says some dumb ass shit like this like he's a seven year old boy and not an educated and accomplished man ten years my senior.

Suddenly the sky broke open like my heart and the rain poured down like my tears. Seriously. It really did happen and the symbolism was not lost on me as I sat in the car and let a few tears roll while the rain enveloped my car and hid me from my coworkers inside who might glance out to see me sitting in my car wiping away tears.

I wrote him a long reply and he replied back with a sincere apology. I responded with another reply and while I won't cut and paste the whole thing here, I ended with,

"I can take a joke and dish it back out but it doesn't mean I enjoy being the joke or that I enjoy having to pretend it doesn't bother me."

It wasn't my intention to hurt him back. But it was important to me that he see that what he said hurt me. I didn't like it. And I didn't want him to do it again. I think there was a part of me that was afraid he'd react like db and swing back with a blazing round of minimizing my feelings but, to his credit, he did not. We ended up exchanging a few more missives with him repeating his apology and me thanking him for not being a douche when I stood up for myself and feelings and we ended on a positive note.

I work hard. I am pretty amazing. That is entirely unrelated to the biological lottery I won in the breast area.  It's hard to be taken seriously as a woman sometimes. It's harder if you are blonde. EVEN harder if you are pretty or have big boobs. It's not right but it's the way the world works.

This might now explain much of why I don't like to share my picture. I am so tired of being judged on my looks. And it is why men like Thomas and Alpha mean so much to me in that they have NEVER....would NEVER make any such intimation. And now, hopefully, GBF won't either.

I deserve respect.

And now, I expect it.