Dear His New Wife,

Congratulations on your marriage to my ex-husband. While I sincerely hope that you do not have to endure what I did, I anticipate that your experience will not defer much from mine unless he has experienced a significant psychological overhaul and based on what I have seen and heard via “friends”, he has not. 

I am pretty sure you think you have found a great guy. I sure did. He is handsome (actually, I have revised my aesthetic opinion around that but I acknowledge that he is considered attractive by herd standards). Is he still 3% body fat? Looks like he’s gained a little but I say that in a good way in that I always felt he could use about 30 more pounds and it looks like your good cooking is helping him in that department. I bet he’s attentive and intense sometimes. But gives you just enough space so you don’t feel like you aren’t smothering. And he listens to you, right? You probably think it’s because he cares but it’s because he is looking for keys on which buttons to push and he absolutely wants to continue the illusion he’s a great guy as he still needs a little longer to reel you in. See, men with his pathology love love love the romance and chase and game of it. Can I make her want me? Can I make her love me? Can I “win” her? It’s a game. Sadly, he has just won it. You married him. Now, the game is over for him. Now is when it will begin. You see, once you marry him, he’s done. He’s got the prize. Sure, he’ll enjoy it for a while like any kid with a new toy but the novelty and responsibility of being a “husband” is going to wear off relatively quickly. See one of the links I provided below that discusses relationships with people like him.

Why, you ask? I’ll explain why. He doesn’t want a wife. He doesn’t want a partner or a soul mate or a forever girl. No. What he wants is the love and caring and understanding and attention he never got from his mom. Has he told you all the terrible things about her yet? Or did he just tell those to me? You see, he didn’t tell me all those till we were married for a while. Has he referred to her as “the Red Headed Jezebel” yet? I find that how a man talks about his mother is a good indicator of how he will treat you. You might be confused as he just reconciled with her…yeah. Been there, done that. It’s a cycle with them. Things were peachy with his mom then it got bad after the marriage. I think she has some psychological issues around her son and his wife (whoever it is at the time and he even told me as much one time but that’s a whole OTHER situation I don’t care enough about to research). Unfortunately, when a man with your husband’s pathology hides this behavior from you upfront, it’s hard to know. But, please understand it’s not your fault. You didn’t know and you made the same mistake I did, you trusted someone you shouldn’t have. 

Let me give you sort of a “what to expect” timeline for things:

First three years of dating: this is your courting stage. He’s doing his best to “win you” (remember, this is sort of a game to this pathology). He will put on his BEST behavior and craft all his answers and deep dark sharing of emotions with you around creating sympathy for him. Oh, he won’t whine and cry like a little bitch. What he’ll do is come across as this strong yet tragic figure that has tried mightily to be the best he can be despite all the road blocks in his way. He’ll blame some on others but take just enough of the blame on himself that he will appear insightful and contemplative and able to learn and grow. This is, of course, a trap. A crafty trick to garner your sympathy and understanding. 

Now that you are married you have, what I estimate to be, about one to three years before it starts to get off. I am not sure if it will happen quicker because he is older and doesn’t feel like bothering to try harder with you or if it will take longer because he’s older and learned more after his session with me. Do let me know one day over coffee if we ever do that, will you? Just curious.

Here’s how it will work: you’ve probably seen him get angry. The “tantrum” has probably happened at least once in three years. I am sure it has, whether you witnessed it or not is another question, he hides those well when he’s trying to win you. He will shout, punch, break, or otherwise violently lash out at some object. A table, chair, dashboard of his car (one time he violently pounded a silk ficus tree on the floor like the angry little monkey with a staff in the Lion King…) but you probably have seen it once at least. And shrugged it off. EVERYONE gets angry. No biggie. We all have those days.

The outbursts will be few and far between at first. He could go months without having one and at first NEVER at you. Oh no. Perish the thought. He will tell you how his first girlfriend (and maybe now me, too) would deliberately try to push his buttons and if you just don’t push the buttons it will be okay. He’ll even tell you this, “When I get upset just back off and let me cool down and it will be no problem.” Here’s the inside scoop on that. You WILL. Because you will think you are better than the other girls who must have just not respected him but this is what’s really happening:  that’s the first step in getting you to agree to legitimize the behavior. The first step down that slippery slope. Round one goes to him. NOW he can have an outburst whenever he wants because he has convinced you to either ignore or tolerate it. 

Once that is done, you won’t notice an immediate upswing in the outbursts. Because, as much as I call him a douche bag I don’t think he does any of these “deliberately”. I think he does TRY to be a mature grown up but due to his arrested mental development, he just can’t manage it. The once or twice a year outbursts will escalate to maybe once a quarter (that’s every four months or maybe once a season-ish). Again, the times in between won’t be so bad so you will probably even forget them. After about three years they will probably escalate to be more frequent. Not quite once a month but definitely more than once a quarter. And now is when that first “lash” out at you will probably happen. He will call you a cunt, or a whore, or a bitch. Maybe all three at once. Of course he will be apologetic afterwards and if you are kind and understanding as I was, you will give him a hug and love him and forgive him. Because it doesn’t really happen that often, does it? Other women have have husbands that hit them or go to strip clubs or who cheat on them so an occasional oopsy in a moment of anger is forgivable, right? Wrong. Round two has now gone to him. You have now shown him he can insult and demean you and get away with it, even get hugs or sex afterwards if he plays “poor little boy I had a bad day sorry I yelled at you” with it. Yup. 

Has he tried to kill himself yet? Or even told you about that? He did it in his early twenties (I remember as he was hospitalized for it). He also threated to do it and had a complete breakdown the week after we separated. Be aware of these facts if you ever take one of those online tests that asks you about it as it is an indicator for the pathology.

So, now he knows he can have an outburst when he wants AND in those outbursts he can now direct some of that anger at you and get away with it. You have pretty much handed him the keys to the Kingdom and this is when he will pretty much give up. You see, when you let him turn you into a doormat he loses all respect for you. I think that was where it turned totally south with me. I revealed I was not his mother. I was this nice kind forgiving person who tried to support and love him. But, he didn’t want that. He wanted his mother. Who was not nice, not kind, did not support him, and the love part is questionable. Is she even capable of that? Again, another conversation. I anticipate he mimics her cold, demanding, uncaring and selfish behavior that he grew up with once he declares you persona non grata. When you do not return his challenge then he looses interest. Who wants a door mat? The only thing you are good for is wiping his feet on now. This is when he will start to look around for a new woman. Someone who might be the right one. The sad thing is that if he ends up with a nice gal, he will lose interest because deep down inside he wants mommy.  And, if he ends up with a gal like mommy, he will hate her because he hates his mother. This is why he is doomed to be perpetually unhappy. Have you looked in the mirror? You had such pretty long blonde hair when he met you. You might think it was your decision but think back very carefully on who suggested you cut it super short and dye it red. I have had over sixteen people look at those photos (including my shrink) literally suck in their breath and gasp at how much you look like his mom now. Think about it. You don’t have to be honest with me, only with yourself.

The outbursts will grow more frequent now because he is being that little boy angry at his mom. Any perceived slight or abandonment (and abandonment can be something as simple as not agreeing with him or buying the wrong mustard) will evoke a huge tantrum to include violence towards objects. Then he will cross the line to hurt something alive. With us, it was the dog. He tried to strangle our puppy. In a fit of rage and anger because the puppy had an accident in his crate, he flung open the crate door, grabbed the puppy and started to throttle it. I will never ever ever forget the sounds of our puppy screaming and gasping for air. NEVER. He didn’t kill the puppy, he stormed to the back door and FLUNG it onto the deck instead. I sat in our room that was over the deck. Shocked and stunned and terrified to go downstairs and if he was still angry would I be next? About five minutes later, I hear the back door slide open and him talking all sweet to the puppy. Sorry buddy. Etc. That was October. That’s when I knew I had to get out.

Has he told you about killing the cat when he was in his twenties? How he strangled it to watch it die. To see the moment when its life passed out of it? This was in his twenties. He killed an animal. I did not learn of this until AFTER the separation. It chilled me to the bone because he actually told me he knew he was "okay" because when he realized what he did and it was wrong he hadn't done it again since. That he thought THAT would make me feel BETTER is an indicator of how twisted his logic can be. He also was seeing a shrink that declared him okay other than some adult ADD crap and when I asked if he told them about killing the cat or strangling the dog he literally said, "No, I didn't feel that was relevant."

You can insert a face palm here ->

  

Below is some information on emotional abuse. Please educate yourself on this and look for the signs and understand it is often a gradual process, not an immediate or overnight one. If you recognize this is happening to you, please don’t wait as long as I did. I also noticed two children (one girl, one boy) in the pictures. If the girl is yours, please please please be aware that if you think he is “just doing it to you” and you don’t want to rob the kids of a father figure and you can endure his behavior till they graduate, that’s not true. The stories my own daughter has shared about his yelling and screaming and throwing things at her when I wasn’t home chill me to the core and make me weep. We have a promise now that WE will never let that happen again. If he is treating YOU badly then he will do the SAME to your kids. You might never see it (I sure didn’t) but remember, if he hides how he treats YOU from others, he will hide how he treats THEM from you.

I am deleting Facebook this weekend. Not sure how you will ever find me to talk if you need to but I would guess my number is in his cell. You can snag it sometime. If you don’t call me, call someone for help. Especially if there are children involved. My little one is going to be okay and she has pretty much gotten past his behavior issues and does not take them personally but your girl looks older and at a very impressionable age. If she sees or hears him yelling and screaming at you and sees/hears/witnesses the broken furniture or holes in the wall or thrown things she might grow up to think that is acceptable behavior from a man. I suppose in the end you should ask yourself this:

If my daughter was with a man who treated her like this, would I want her to leave him?

If you answer yes to that….please….PLEASE….do it yourself. There are those out there who will support you and I will always be one of them if you make that decision. It is not impossible to have a relationship with a man like him. This is not a plea for you to divorce him. This is merely a Product Manual to use in the event you need to trouble shoot your situation. If things are wonderful, write me off as a bitter kook and count yourself lucky. If they aren’t….get help.

Good luck.

Love,

A Happy Woman Who Is No Longer Abused

PS – Here are some resources. I have taken the liberty of highlighting all those I experienced with him for your convenience and reference.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).

Types of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.

Aggressing

• Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
• Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships.

Denying

• Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc.
• Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”
• Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own.

Minimizing

• Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
• Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
• Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Additional resources:

“No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints, and validate your own feelings and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive….” http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

“You can say the most loving words with sarcasm and silently communicate contempt through body language, rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, tone of voice, disgusted looks, cold shoulders, banging dishes, stonewalling, cold shoulders, etc. There are dozens of ways to be emotionally abusive…”

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201302/emotional-abuse

“Says one typical reader, “This book was the epiphany to end all epiphanies. I realized that I was not imaging things, being overly sensitive, or going crazy. There was an answer.” -Stop Walking on Eggshells Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder  By Randi Kreger and Paul Mason

“Given all the difficulties that exist in BPD relationships, why would anyone start a relationship with someone with BPD? First, it is important to remember that despite these intense and disruptive symptoms, people with BPD are frequently good, kind, and caring individuals. Often they have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time. 

In addition, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD talk about how fun, exciting, and passionate a BPD partner can be. Many people are drawn to a BPD partner precisely because people with BPD have intense emotions and strong desire for intimacy….  Most BPD relationships go through a honeymoon period. People with BPD will often report that at the beginning of a new romantic relationship they put their new partner “on a pedestal” and sometimes feel they have found their perfect match, a soul mate who will rescue them from the emotional pain (a kind of thinking called “idealization.”) …This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner too. After all, it is really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you, and to feel as if you are needed.

Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect (idealized) soul mate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well. As a result, they may quickly go from idealization to devaluation (or thinking that their partner is a horrible person).” http://bpd.about.com/od/forfamilyandfriends/a/BPDromantic.htm

Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, Massachusetts: Bob Adams, Inc., 1992.

Engle, Beverly, M.F.C.C. The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992.

 Here are some signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) You're afraid to tell your partner about a normal happening - your car needs brakes, your boss made you work overtime - because you're not sure how he will react.
2) When you do talk to your significant other, he puts you down and makes you feel stupid.
3) You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost - just to avoid a confrontation.
4) You no longer want to bring your significant other around your friends or family because you're afraid he will berate you and humiliate you in front of your loved ones.
5) You've begun to believe that you're the crazy one -- that you're the one with the problem.
6) When talking about an accomplishment - a promotion or something equally exciting - your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it.
7) You feel helpless, like you're trapped in the relationship.
8) Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings.
9) Your partner keeps a tight control on all things: money, the phone, using the car, who you see and what you do.
10) If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. "If you weren't so dumb, I wouldn't have to yell at you."
11) You've begun to see yourself as worthless -- just like your partner tells you you are.
12) You'll go out of your way to please your significant other, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to wash the floor, so be it. It beats the "lecture."
13) You're in complete isolation. Your partner doesn't want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you - not him.

14) You've begun to feel as though you deserve to be treated badly. If you were a better person, you wouldn't make him so mad!

15) You find yourself having to rush to his defense whenever he is brought up in conversation. You make excuses for his behavior regardless of the situation.

If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship or even if you think you're being abused but it's "not bad enough" to do anything about it, remember: it is. No one deserves to be treated this way, and everyone is worthy of respect. Even you.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/138933/15_signs_youre_in_an