Top 10 Reasons Not To Date Me

Inspired by Ann Oxyer, I have compiled the Top 10 Reasons Not To Date Me.  She compiled this list after a session with her therapist, saying, “It gives me the opportunity to clarify what I will and won't accept in an intimate relationship with anyone from here on out.”  All of us changed and grow. That is a given.  And, it’s understandable when you are in an intimate relationship…if one person changes or grows then it can be frustrating to the partner and can cause them to part ways.  This is why I feel it is only fair to “warn” anyone up front of top ten things that may cause you distress, heartburn, indigestion, or possible discomfort. If none of these things are a show stopper to you, perhaps we could do dinner. If they are, move along. Nothing to see here.  It does not mean we can’t be friends. We just know it has to stay there.

10. Swearing – I am an elegant and composed woman who has grown up predominantly in the South and has lovely manners and can out etiquette even Emily Post at times. I can be gracious, poised and beautiful in any situation and know how to act appropriately in a variety of settings. I can, however, cuss like a sailor and am not afraid to do it in certain settings, situations, and to certain people. My momma asked me once, “Why didn’t you tell douche bag to FUCK OFF when he was being such a jerk.” I looked chagrined and told her, “You raised me to be a lady and not to use that sort of language with certain people. I thought I was supposed to respect my husband and I didn’t want to lower myself to acting like he was or in any way that reminded me of one of those screeching harpies on COPS.”  Momma (Endora) looked at me and said, “Some people deserve to be told that. If you are worried about being rude or disrespectful, that’s when you say, ‘Fuck off, SIR!’ “  (I love my mom).  This does not mean I am going to embarrass you or act in disrespectful way to people in general but if I drop a hammer on my toe or you suggest I do something ludicrous, don’t get shocked if I drop the “F” bomb.

09.  Scars – I do not have pristine skin. I have been through a lot in my life and I have the badges (scars) to show for it. I have had cancer and host scars from all the treatments and surgeries. I have had open heart surgery so have that lovely “could go as an autopsy victim” for Halloween scar. I have a small scar on the back of my right hand, one on my left cheek/temple from riding into a mailbox on my bicycle when I was a kid. I have a long scar that runs from my ankle to two inches above my knee from where they removed the main vein in my leg to fix my heart. I am also tattooed. I have started work on my sleeve and it is an epilogue for the adventures I have been on in life so far. Oh, and I broke my nose as a kid so it’s cute and perky but a little crooked. You want “perfection” or Hollywood pretty? Move along. If you want character and wisdom in a face that doesn’t scare little kids, I may be your girl.

08. Atheist – I am an atheist. I recognize and respect that others have different religious views and opinions. I am not one of those atheists that wishes to constantly argue their position or opinion. I feel no need to “prove” anything to you nor do I feel any need to bash your beliefs. I find religion fascinating and can discuss it for hours on end with intelligent people like Rabbis, Priests, Sikhs, Buddhists, Muslims, and other assorted folks. But the second it turns into a slam session or some pissing contest, I’m out. I would not presume to try to talk you out of your beliefs so all I ask is don’t try to shove yours down my throat. If the fact I am going to hell in a hand basket causes you great distress and tears…please please please do us both a favor and pass me by.

07.  Education & Job – I am an accomplished woman. I have THREE degrees (two undergrad and one grad). I am smart. I border on geeky. If you find my intelligence makes you feel insecure or less than a man, move along. If you are going to get in a snit if I beat you at Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit, move along. If you are going to scream at me that I am “trying to make you look stupid” when I use a word like ‘cornucopia’ or correct your spelling in the Xmas letter, move along. If every time I pick up a book on quantum theory or math you wrinkle your nose and roll your eyes and get huffy, MOVE ALONG.  I am the girl that actually GETS the jokes on Big Bang Theory and doesn’t just laugh because Sheldon is acting like a prissy little robot when he says it.

I also have a real grown up job as an important person with huge responsibility. I work very hard and am the SME (if you have to ask…) in my area. I make very very close to six figures a year and am on call 24/7 for my expertise in handling things.  If we make a date and I get a call, the date might get cancelled. For folks who live outside my “world” that could be a deal breaker or piss you off. But for those who can understand my background and my responsibilities then they will understand it’s not personal.   

06. Sexy -  I am sexy. And I like sex. I have a gorgeous curvy luscious body. Men look at me. If this upsets you or bothers you or makes you assume I will fuck it if it breathes…move along. Some women get all ‘eww’ about sex.  I am the kind of woman that ONCE WE HAVE A CONNECTION AND I FEEL COMFORTABLE might just wear you out.  I will be the one telling you to pull the car over in the dark park so I can blow you. I will be the one sneaking a grope of your ass in the grocery store. I will be the one slithering my hand down for a nice long stroke up your front after I have pulled you into a dark corner or around the side of a building. I will be the one that leans close at the cocktail party and starts whispering delicious detail about what I want to do to you and how I want to do it.  Don’t interpret this as I will screw anyone or thing. Don’t interpret this as I will jump into the sack with anything that gives me the wink. I am a very discriminate woman and I have not had very many men but rest assured if you win a pole position…your pole will not want for attention.

05. Fitness – One of the things douche bag did to me was suck all my desire and motivation for the gym and exercise out of me. He made it a point to discourage, sabotage and downright “forbid” me to exercise.  Never again. I do not care if you can run a marathon or bench press a car but if you ever EVER EVER make a single remark putting me down for working out, running, swimming, lifting weights, playing soccer or doing anything physical I will, I repeat, I WILL kick you to the curb faster than a tin can in a Brooklyn street game.  I am a strong girl. I don’t NEED a man to fuss over me or chastise me or tell me I should take it easy because I am just not a “real athlete” or something is just too much for me to try.  I went 12 years without anyone giving a flying fig about me so I learned to take care of myself. Don’t swoop in and act like my babysitter or nursemaid or mother.  I don’t need or want to be coddled. I need and want to be respected. Offer your opinion, give me advice, share your experience but don’t get your dick in a knot if I don’t bow down, kiss your ass and suck up and follow every directive you have given like you are a God on high. I am my own woman and until you have proven yourself to me and I can trust you, you have absolutely NO RIGHT to get pissed off at me if I research what you said, ask others for their opinion, or seek additional advice.

04.  Funny – I am pretty damn funny. If you have no sense of humor, move along. If you can’t handle dark or morbid humor, move along. If you are so PC that I can shove a lump of coal up your ass and have a diamond inside a week…yup…you got it. Move along.

03. Abuse –  My ex has Male Borderline Personality Disorder. I have become a lay expert on it. I know all the tricks now about how these men (and men with similar mental illnesses) function. I am an expert in understanding and being able to spot when a man starts to pull some crap to try and make me feel guilty, starts playing some victim card, starts to minimize his behavior when I call him on it, men who twist things they said to change the meanings, and men who presume to tell me what I think. I know exactly what I think and the minute you say to me that I “must” mean something else and it’s always something you can take offense to or act like was a slight to you….lol I can see it a mile away now. This especially goes to men who have never met me.  Just because you enjoy my posts and think I am pretty cool and we chat a little online does NOT mean you know me and you have absolutely no right to begin to take liberties with my feelings, emotions, or words that I don’t even allow my most trusted confidants to take. If I tell you my ex did something…that’s it. Don’t twist that into some “oh, you are comparing me to your ex” crap. DUH! Of course I am comparing ever motherfucker I meet to him. That’s what a SMART girl does. THAT’S how a smart girl avoids making the same mistakes. I don’t trust easy and I have a fabulous circle of men around me that model good, strong, sane, appropriate, and HEALTHY behavior. You will be compared, judged, measured, and looked at harshly. I was tricked by a sweet handsome smooth talker once who almost killed me. I will not fall prey to that again. EVER. Don’t like it? Move along.

02. Mom – I am a mother. I am raising a gorgeous, brilliant, amazing little girl whose father has abandoned her and who has some of her own fears and concerns after watching what her father did to me. She is now and will ALWAYS be my number one priority. Forever. I will not abandon her like her father did. If she gets sick and pukes an hour before our date, I will call and cancel. If she is having a panic attack before I leave, I will be late. If she doesn’t like you because you act like a jerk to me or behind my back like her dad did, YOU ARE TOAST. Good bye. Don’t like that she is my best friend and priority? Buh-bye.

01. My Men. I am friends with many men. I am VERY VERY VERY close to them. I have not slept with any of them and I may never sleep with any of them. But I will NOT stop speaking to them or being friends with them or caring for them if you ask. I will always buy them birthday presents and bake them cookies and invite them to Christmas dinner and do sweet things for them. I will text and email with them, talk on the phone. I will kiss them and hug them and hold their hand if they need it. Share stories, experiences, and ask for advice. These men have been there for me in my darkest hours and are my best friends. They are not going away. You have a simple choice: you can be amazing enough to earn my respect and join their ranks…or you can get petty, jealous, and small minded and you will go away.  Those who have made it to that level in my life say to me, “Wow. You treat me better just as a friend than most girlfriends treat their boyfriend and better than many wives treat their husbands.” Those in my small close circle all know each other, respect each other and give a nod to each other because they realize how important they have been in my healing. None of them have a problem with the others.  If you have a problem with them…YOU are the one that will be shown the door.

So. There it is. My list. There may be other little reasons not to date me. That I like Chelsea Football Club, I am a Picard over Kirk girl, I have a stuffed Cthulu, I use a lot of garlic when I cook, I am not a big drinker, I don’t party, and I can’t sew to save my life.  Hopefully, I have saved some of you the trouble of wasting your time on me.  For those select few who aren’t turned off by all that… *shrugs*  I’ll try to think up some more stuff to dissuade you. ;)