I formulated this essay in my head this morning while lying on the couch in the dark listening to the rain. I was thinking about my step-son who would be getting up soon and how I was going to deal with him today after he came home from school in trouble again yesterday.
I am not against or opposed to some deep internal reflection on myself. I do not consider myself perfect nor always right. My point of frustration lay smack dab in the middle of the fact that I am trying to help this son (step son) break out of some very deeply ingrained and very crippling habits he learned from his biological mother.
I thought of the exasperation. Of the annoyance. Of the sheer frustration of having to deal with these problems over and over and over again. Each time he promises that he gets it this time. Each time I get promises that he will really try harder. Each time he fails.
Or does he? Maybe he does get it. Maybe he gets it but not how I want him to. Maybe he really is trying harder for him. Trying harder doesn’t mean being perfect, I reminded myself. Trying harder means just that. Trying harder.
I was experiencing a moment of uncertainty. Perhaps the hardest part of dealing with this child and his challenges was dealing with what I perceived to be my failure because I couldn’t or hadn’t yet fixed him.
Speaking about a child like he was a broken toy that I could just snap together or change the batteries in.
This lead me to think critically and look to the Temple for guidance. What would the Temple tell me to do? What would the Adepts and Sorcerers and Priests tell me? What would the Predators and even Initiates say? I thought. And thought. And then thought some more.
And I realized that it wasn’t important exactly WHAT they would say. What was important is that I could go to them with any struggle. With any problem. With any question. With any concern. And, like family, they would receive me and offer what they felt I needed most. Perhaps some would only listen and cluck their tongue. Perhaps another would give me a cryptic and inscrutable koen that I could mull over and tease apart like a knot. Perhaps others would send me a story from their own experience or some words of wisdom from having been there before as well.
“The family endures because it offers the truth of mortality and immortality within the same group. The family endures because, better than the commune, kibbutz, or classroom, it seems to individualize and socialize its children, to make us feel at the same time unique and yet joined to all humanity, accepted as is and yet challenged to grow, loved unconditionally and yet propelled by greater expectations. Only in the family can so many extremes be reconciled and synthesized. Only in the family do we have a lifetime in which to do it.
-Letty Cottin Pogrebin
What is important about family is that they allow you to experience, learn, grow, explore and teach in structured environment. There will always be rules but these rules are based on mutual respect and consideration. There will always be squabbles but they are generally insignificant when compared to the true bond that is shared. A child may struggle…a child may slip…a child may fall. But if that child has a good family then that child will triumph in his struggle. He will recover from a slip. He will pick himself up after a fall. And what is most beautiful of all, the child will grow to be an outstanding resource for the next generation of children that come behind him.
Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn’t already have. We all come into this existence with some measure of potential. The family unit is the catalyst for this potential. The family does not GIVE the potential. The family can only help the individual exercise and tap that potential. If it is a good family then the possibilities are endless.
The Temple uses the word Family. Some people may be put off by this because their own experience with their own family has been less then pleasant. Others may be put off by it because they have a great family and are hesitant to accept those that are not biologically related.
What I think needs to be stressed is:
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. - Richard Bach, Illusions (1977)
I lay back with a smile on my face. It would be very easy for me to be selfish and to ignore or give up on this child I was struggling with. But, wasn’t that why he was having so much trouble in the first place? My Temple Family has been patient with me through a lot of questions. Through a lot of confusion. Through many requests for clarification. They have sat back and let me explore, learn, experience, question and grow. A gentle nudge here, a smack on the bottom there, a smile and praise at other times. I love and respect my Family for their patience with me. For their belief in me when I questioned my belief in myself. My son is not a looser. He is not stupid or slow. He is simply young and has had some things happen that were not his fault. I can’t blame him for struggling with things as a result.
We ask each Family member to empty their cup when they arrive.
If I am so impatient and self centered as to ignore my own child when he needs help emptying his cup…..if I am so selfish that I can’t give him the Elixir of Life to refill it once it is empty….if I am so impatient with his attempts….then I have not learned from the patient and generous example that the Temple has set for me. If I cannot embrace their grace and hold myself to the same level of excellence…then I am not worthy to be of this Family.
I can though. I can learn from those I respect and love and admire. And I can teach and share that which has been given to me with trust to others that earn and deserve that privilege.
The family is the test of freedom; because the family is the only thing that the free man makes for himself and by himself. -Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874–1936)
I Am One of Us. Are You?
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