If you wish to date me or meet for a get to know you, you will need to complete and submit the following application to be considered.
NAME:
AGE:
LEVEL OF EDUCATION:
BIZARRE GENETIC TRAITS:
LIST OF MEDICATIONS:
Have You Ever (Please Circle All That Apply):
a. Been Arrested
b. Been Charged & Convicted With a Felony
c. Yelled and Screamed At A Woman
d. Yelled and Screamed Like A Woman
e. Killed An Animal When Not Hunting (Insects Do Not Count)
f. Set Fires To See The Pretty Flames Burn And Dance
g. Sustained A Serious Head Injury
h. Been Suspended From School
i. Been Fired From A Job
j. Shot A Gun
k. Been In Handcuffs
Tell Me About Your Mother
a. I Hate That Red Headed Jezebel With A Passion That Rivals The Prince Of Hell Himself
b. She Is A Saint…Want To See The Pictures I Took Of Me Giving Her A Pedicure Last Weekend?
c. She is cool. She can be annoying sometimes but that’s just because she’s my mom and she loves me.
d. Sometimes I Love Her. Sometimes I Hate Her. Sometimes I Get This Urge To Find a Hooker That Looks Like Her And Strangle Her With Her Own Nylons
Are You (Please Circle) Straight BiSexual
DATES AND SOCIALIZATION
A Wife Beater T-Shirt Is Acceptable Attire
a. On a First Date
b. Any Place That Does Not Require A Tie
c. Maybe While I Am Painting My House
d. Never
Do You Have Any Tattoos? If Yes, What And Where:
Sending Flowers To A Woman Is
a. Stupid and a Waste Of Money Because They Die Anyway.
b. How To Get Her To Sleep With You
c. I Refuse To Join The Mass Herd Of Consumers By Contributing To The Floral Industry
d. A Nice Way To Show Her You Are Thinking About Her
Jewelry Is
a. Expensive
b. Stupid
c. Only Appropriate After We Have Known Each Other For A While
d. How To Get Her To Sleep With You
A Great First Date Would Be
a. A NASCAR RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
b. AN INDY CAR RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
c. Two For One Hot Dog Night At The Drag Strip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
d. A quiet dinner and maybe sharing dessert over coffee.
My Favorite Kinds Of Food (Please Circle All That Apply)
a. Fusion
b. Mexican
c. Italian
d. Asian
e. French
f. Vegan
g. Other: (Please Specify)
I Smoke (Please Circle) Yes No
If Yes, Please Quantify:
a. Less Than A Pack A Day
b. A Pack A Day
c. More Than A Pack A Day
d. Cigars And/Or Pipes
e. Weed
f. Meth
g. Only In Bed Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaby!
h. Like A Chimney, If You Put Your Head To My Chest You Can Hear My Lungs Crinkle Like Tissue Paper
I Drink (Please Circle) Yes No
If Yes, Please Quantify:
a. Occasionally
b. Usually a Few Beers or Glasses Of Wine On The Weekends
c. Daily
d. I Keep A Bottle In My Desk At Work…shhhhhh.
e. So Much That Black Outs Compose A Significant Portion Of My Memory
f. I Won’t Need To Be Embalmed When I Die
Do You Have Any Of The Following Fetishes (Please Circle All That Apply)
a. Feet
b. Shoes
c. Stockings
d. BDSM
e. Leather
f. Farm Animals
g. Furniture
h. Piercings / Tattoos
i. Other (Please Elaborate):
MUSIC
Five Albums I Would Want If Stranded On A Desert Island
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Favorite Three Songs To Make Out To
1.
2.
3.
Music I Pretend To Not Like But Secretly Love:
What I Usually Listen To On The Car Radio:
The Last Three Concerts I Attended Were
1.
2.
3.
I Dance In Public Like
a. Fred Astaire
b. Elaine From Seinfeld
c. Beavis And/Or Butthead
d. I Don’t.
INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
A Computer Is
a. Totally Great For Looking At Free Porn
b. A Programmable Machine That Receives Input, Stores and Manipulates Data/Information, and Provides Output in a Useful Format.
c. An Aberration Of Nature and Proof Of The Evil Secular Science Has Brought Down Upon Us. Praise Jesus.
d. Like, Totally A Giant Energy Hog And Totally Not In Harmony With Our Mother Nature and Sister Forest And It’s Electromagnetic Field Totally Nudges My Tao Out Of Sync Man…
A Google Image Search Would Reveal How Many Pictures Of Your Penis?
a. Zero
b. 1 to 10
c. You Can’t Prove It’s Mine, My Face Isn’t In The Pictures
d. Here’s A Link To My Website, Count Them Yourself:___________________________________
I Need To Always Have The Newest Gadget, Regardless of Cost Because
a. I Am Insecure About The Size of My Penis So I Overcompensate By Spending Money On Technology
b. I Don’t. I Get What I Need When I Need It And Am Not A Slave To Advertising Propaganda Or Desperate To Fit Into The Herd
c. It Makes Me Cool, Duh
d. Chicks Dig It
TRAVEL AND LESIURE
I Like To Spend Weekends
a. Sitting On My Ass Watching TV
b. Getting Totally Drunk With Buddies
c. I Am Not Sure, I Can’t Remember Much Of Any Of Them…I Have These Blackouts
d. Calling Ex-Girlfriends For Bail Money
e. None Of The Above
I Would Love To Travel To
a. Somewhere Remote, Private, Romantic, or Exotic
b. Somewhere We Could Go Camping and Sleep Under the Stars
c. Anywhere With You
d. Wilmington for NASCAR, BAAAAAAAABYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
e. Amsterdam So I Can Get High Legally
Zinfindel is
a. How Vladimir Putin says “the infidel”
b. The Name of Luxomberg before It Gained Independence From The French Empire in 1815
c. The Pitcher For The Boston Red Sox
d. A Cheeky Little Red That Has Hints of Raspberry and Goes Well With A Nice Filet.
SPORTS
As A Kid, I Played The Following Sports:
In High School, I Played The Following Sports:
In College, I Played The Following Sports:
Currently, I Play The Following Sports:
I Go To The Gym Or Work Out
a. Never
b. 1-2 times a Week
c. 3-4 times a Week
d. 5-6 times a Week
e. Every Day
My Favorite Sports Teams Are:
Major Sporting Events You Attend Or I Should Know You Will Cease Speaking To Me During:
VEHICLES
A Car Is
a. The Only Woman I Have Ever Really Loved
b. An Extension Of My Penis
c. A Way To Get From Point A to Point B
d. My Life
I Currently Own:
I Would Love One Day To Own:
I Have The Following Project Cars In My Possession:
How Much I Spend Annually On Parts/Bling/Mods/Audio For My Car(s) (Do Not Include Property Taxes, Registration Fees, County/Town Decals etc)
a. $0 - $100
b. $100 - $1000
c. $2000 - $5000
d. More Than $5000 a Year
ART & LITERATURE
Grendal is
a. Hansel’s Sister
b. International Swedish Porn Star Best Known For Her Work In Bork Me 1, 2, and 3
c. Beowulf’s Antagonist
d. A Hand Crank Operated Millstone Used To Grind Wheat For Bread
Frankenstein was written by
a. Stephen King
b. Tom Clancy
c. Shakespeare
d. Mary Shelley
An Oedipus Complex is
a. Something I Suffer From
b. Is Named After A Shakespearian Play Concerning the Mythical Greek king of Thebes
c. A Dinosaur From the Cenozoic Era Similar To But Slightly Larger Than A Velociraptor
d. Where They Play The Match Finals For Wimbeldon If There Is Rain
HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU OWN?
a. None
b. 1-10
c. 11-50
d. I Refuse To Count Them All Because Then I’d Have To Admit I Have A Problem
HISTORY
William Wallace
a. Has A Dog Named Grommit
b. Is Scotland’s Greatest Patriot
c. Was Proved To Be The True Identity of Jack The Ripper
d. Was The Third Duke of Nottingham
What Roman General Conquered Gaul in The First Century BC
a. General Colin Powell
b. General Electric
c. Julius Ceaser
d. Napolean Bonaparte
Between What Two Countries Was The Hundred Years War Mainly Fought?
a. Iraq and Iran
b. Afghanistan and the Soviet Union
c. The United States of America and England
d. France and England
SCIENCE
Schrödinger had a
a. Dog
b. Cat
c. Parakeet
d. A Wicked Bad Case Of Herpes
Top, Bottom, Up, Down, Charm, and Strange are types of
a. Women
b. Sexual Positions
c. Quarks
d. Breakfast Cereal
E=MC² is
a. Planck’s Constant Which Reflects the Sizes of Quanta in Quantum Mechanics
b. The Equation Identifying that Energy is Equal to Mass Times The Squared Velocity of Light In Centimeters Per Second
c. An Affront to God
d. The Thing That Einstein Dude Said
If I brought you a nice tall glass of cold dihydrogen monoxide, would you:
a. Call The Police And Have Me Arrested For Attempted Murder?
b. Drink It?
c. Use It To Lubricate Your Car Engine?
d. Inhale It And Enjoy The High?
ESSAY QUESTION
Describe your plans for our first date. In detail. At least 300 Words. You will be evaluated for content, spelling, grammar and your use of (or inability to use) appropriate punctuation as well as your ability to count to three hundred.
BONUS The Holy Roman Emperor Was Neither Holy, Nor Roman, Nor an Emperor. Discuss.
NAME:
AGE:
LEVEL OF EDUCATION:
BIZARRE GENETIC TRAITS:
LIST OF MEDICATIONS:
Have You Ever (Please Circle All That Apply):
a. Been Arrested
b. Been Charged & Convicted With a Felony
c. Yelled and Screamed At A Woman
d. Yelled and Screamed Like A Woman
e. Killed An Animal When Not Hunting (Insects Do Not Count)
f. Set Fires To See The Pretty Flames Burn And Dance
g. Sustained A Serious Head Injury
h. Been Suspended From School
i. Been Fired From A Job
j. Shot A Gun
k. Been In Handcuffs
Tell Me About Your Mother
a. I Hate That Red Headed Jezebel With A Passion That Rivals The Prince Of Hell Himself
b. She Is A Saint…Want To See The Pictures I Took Of Me Giving Her A Pedicure Last Weekend?
c. She is cool. She can be annoying sometimes but that’s just because she’s my mom and she loves me.
d. Sometimes I Love Her. Sometimes I Hate Her. Sometimes I Get This Urge To Find a Hooker That Looks Like Her And Strangle Her With Her Own Nylons
Are You (Please Circle) Straight BiSexual
DATES AND SOCIALIZATION
A Wife Beater T-Shirt Is Acceptable Attire
a. On a First Date
b. Any Place That Does Not Require A Tie
c. Maybe While I Am Painting My House
d. Never
Do You Have Any Tattoos? If Yes, What And Where:
Sending Flowers To A Woman Is
a. Stupid and a Waste Of Money Because They Die Anyway.
b. How To Get Her To Sleep With You
c. I Refuse To Join The Mass Herd Of Consumers By Contributing To The Floral Industry
d. A Nice Way To Show Her You Are Thinking About Her
Jewelry Is
a. Expensive
b. Stupid
c. Only Appropriate After We Have Known Each Other For A While
d. How To Get Her To Sleep With You
A Great First Date Would Be
a. A NASCAR RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
b. AN INDY CAR RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
c. Two For One Hot Dog Night At The Drag Strip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
d. A quiet dinner and maybe sharing dessert over coffee.
My Favorite Kinds Of Food (Please Circle All That Apply)
a. Fusion
b. Mexican
c. Italian
d. Asian
e. French
f. Vegan
g. Other: (Please Specify)
I Smoke (Please Circle) Yes No
If Yes, Please Quantify:
a. Less Than A Pack A Day
b. A Pack A Day
c. More Than A Pack A Day
d. Cigars And/Or Pipes
e. Weed
f. Meth
g. Only In Bed Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaby!
h. Like A Chimney, If You Put Your Head To My Chest You Can Hear My Lungs Crinkle Like Tissue Paper
I Drink (Please Circle) Yes No
If Yes, Please Quantify:
a. Occasionally
b. Usually a Few Beers or Glasses Of Wine On The Weekends
c. Daily
d. I Keep A Bottle In My Desk At Work…shhhhhh.
e. So Much That Black Outs Compose A Significant Portion Of My Memory
f. I Won’t Need To Be Embalmed When I Die
Do You Have Any Of The Following Fetishes (Please Circle All That Apply)
a. Feet
b. Shoes
c. Stockings
d. BDSM
e. Leather
f. Farm Animals
g. Furniture
h. Piercings / Tattoos
i. Other (Please Elaborate):
MUSIC
Five Albums I Would Want If Stranded On A Desert Island
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Favorite Three Songs To Make Out To
1.
2.
3.
Music I Pretend To Not Like But Secretly Love:
What I Usually Listen To On The Car Radio:
The Last Three Concerts I Attended Were
1.
2.
3.
I Dance In Public Like
a. Fred Astaire
b. Elaine From Seinfeld
c. Beavis And/Or Butthead
d. I Don’t.
INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
A Computer Is
a. Totally Great For Looking At Free Porn
b. A Programmable Machine That Receives Input, Stores and Manipulates Data/Information, and Provides Output in a Useful Format.
c. An Aberration Of Nature and Proof Of The Evil Secular Science Has Brought Down Upon Us. Praise Jesus.
d. Like, Totally A Giant Energy Hog And Totally Not In Harmony With Our Mother Nature and Sister Forest And It’s Electromagnetic Field Totally Nudges My Tao Out Of Sync Man…
A Google Image Search Would Reveal How Many Pictures Of Your Penis?
a. Zero
b. 1 to 10
c. You Can’t Prove It’s Mine, My Face Isn’t In The Pictures
d. Here’s A Link To My Website, Count Them Yourself:___________________________________
I Need To Always Have The Newest Gadget, Regardless of Cost Because
a. I Am Insecure About The Size of My Penis So I Overcompensate By Spending Money On Technology
b. I Don’t. I Get What I Need When I Need It And Am Not A Slave To Advertising Propaganda Or Desperate To Fit Into The Herd
c. It Makes Me Cool, Duh
d. Chicks Dig It
TRAVEL AND LESIURE
I Like To Spend Weekends
a. Sitting On My Ass Watching TV
b. Getting Totally Drunk With Buddies
c. I Am Not Sure, I Can’t Remember Much Of Any Of Them…I Have These Blackouts
d. Calling Ex-Girlfriends For Bail Money
e. None Of The Above
I Would Love To Travel To
a. Somewhere Remote, Private, Romantic, or Exotic
b. Somewhere We Could Go Camping and Sleep Under the Stars
c. Anywhere With You
d. Wilmington for NASCAR, BAAAAAAAABYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
e. Amsterdam So I Can Get High Legally
Zinfindel is
a. How Vladimir Putin says “the infidel”
b. The Name of Luxomberg before It Gained Independence From The French Empire in 1815
c. The Pitcher For The Boston Red Sox
d. A Cheeky Little Red That Has Hints of Raspberry and Goes Well With A Nice Filet.
SPORTS
As A Kid, I Played The Following Sports:
In High School, I Played The Following Sports:
In College, I Played The Following Sports:
Currently, I Play The Following Sports:
I Go To The Gym Or Work Out
a. Never
b. 1-2 times a Week
c. 3-4 times a Week
d. 5-6 times a Week
e. Every Day
My Favorite Sports Teams Are:
Major Sporting Events You Attend Or I Should Know You Will Cease Speaking To Me During:
VEHICLES
A Car Is
a. The Only Woman I Have Ever Really Loved
b. An Extension Of My Penis
c. A Way To Get From Point A to Point B
d. My Life
I Currently Own:
I Would Love One Day To Own:
I Have The Following Project Cars In My Possession:
How Much I Spend Annually On Parts/Bling/Mods/Audio For My Car(s) (Do Not Include Property Taxes, Registration Fees, County/Town Decals etc)
a. $0 - $100
b. $100 - $1000
c. $2000 - $5000
d. More Than $5000 a Year
ART & LITERATURE
Grendal is
a. Hansel’s Sister
b. International Swedish Porn Star Best Known For Her Work In Bork Me 1, 2, and 3
c. Beowulf’s Antagonist
d. A Hand Crank Operated Millstone Used To Grind Wheat For Bread
Frankenstein was written by
a. Stephen King
b. Tom Clancy
c. Shakespeare
d. Mary Shelley
An Oedipus Complex is
a. Something I Suffer From
b. Is Named After A Shakespearian Play Concerning the Mythical Greek king of Thebes
c. A Dinosaur From the Cenozoic Era Similar To But Slightly Larger Than A Velociraptor
d. Where They Play The Match Finals For Wimbeldon If There Is Rain
HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU OWN?
a. None
b. 1-10
c. 11-50
d. I Refuse To Count Them All Because Then I’d Have To Admit I Have A Problem
HISTORY
William Wallace
a. Has A Dog Named Grommit
b. Is Scotland’s Greatest Patriot
c. Was Proved To Be The True Identity of Jack The Ripper
d. Was The Third Duke of Nottingham
What Roman General Conquered Gaul in The First Century BC
a. General Colin Powell
b. General Electric
c. Julius Ceaser
d. Napolean Bonaparte
Between What Two Countries Was The Hundred Years War Mainly Fought?
a. Iraq and Iran
b. Afghanistan and the Soviet Union
c. The United States of America and England
d. France and England
SCIENCE
Schrödinger had a
a. Dog
b. Cat
c. Parakeet
d. A Wicked Bad Case Of Herpes
Top, Bottom, Up, Down, Charm, and Strange are types of
a. Women
b. Sexual Positions
c. Quarks
d. Breakfast Cereal
E=MC² is
a. Planck’s Constant Which Reflects the Sizes of Quanta in Quantum Mechanics
b. The Equation Identifying that Energy is Equal to Mass Times The Squared Velocity of Light In Centimeters Per Second
c. An Affront to God
d. The Thing That Einstein Dude Said
If I brought you a nice tall glass of cold dihydrogen monoxide, would you:
a. Call The Police And Have Me Arrested For Attempted Murder?
b. Drink It?
c. Use It To Lubricate Your Car Engine?
d. Inhale It And Enjoy The High?
ESSAY QUESTION
Describe your plans for our first date. In detail. At least 300 Words. You will be evaluated for content, spelling, grammar and your use of (or inability to use) appropriate punctuation as well as your ability to count to three hundred.
BONUS The Holy Roman Emperor Was Neither Holy, Nor Roman, Nor an Emperor. Discuss.
Are you still accepting applications?
ReplyDeleteIndeed, I am.
ReplyDelete