What Do I Want.....

Today, a male sent me an email. He asked me:


"What is that one thing you want from man that WoW's you to come back for more."

I thought about this for a while and realized I had never defined it. So...I did. This may scare many men off. No worries. At least they won't waste my time. This may anger some men. That is their right, it is  not directed at anyone in particular. Even more will claim this is a fantasy man...men like this do not exist. That would be incorrect. They do. I know them...

I want a man who has a brain. Who can think and ponder and analyze and and dream and create and investigate and explore.
I want a man who has a heart. Who can love, cherish, adore, and protect me because the thought of me being hurt or injured causes him distress.
I want a man who has a sense of humor. Who can laugh, chuckle and smirk with me.
I want a man who has an ego that is neither too absurdly big that it does not know any boundaries nor is it so small as to negate that he even exists as an entity.
I want a man who has self confidence. Not arrogance.
I want a man who is assertive. Not an asshole.
I want a man who can take charge. Who can make a decision, decide what's for dinner, which hotel we should use, and plans special events on his own.
I want a man who can make a decision. Who won't sit and waffle or wriggle or wait for someone else to make it for him.
I want a man who has a memory. Who can remember my birthday, our anniversary, my favorite flower, my favorite color and my favorite flavor of ice cream.
I want a man who has an adventurous spirit. Who will not sit home on the couch endlessly playing video games and watching NASCAR.
I want a man who has some culture. Who delights in visiting foreign lands, strange new places and amazing new worlds.
I want a man who likes the finer things in life. Who appreciates a good Chianti or French Champagne and the feel of delicate Egyptian Cotton sheets against his naked skin.
I want a man who likes the simple things. Who can hike to the top of a mountain with me and read me poetry while we watch the sun set.
I want a man who is a good lover. Who is not simply a mindless mechanical fornication machine but an amazing and energetic and creative and adventurous partner in bed, in the car, in the woods, in the library, in a dark ally, or anywhere the two of us look at each other and get the spark. 

Don't tell me this kind of man does not exist....because I know one that does.

This is what wows me in a man. This is what makes me come back for more.

I am not a whore. I am not a slut. I am a connoisseur.

A man does not have to be rich or gorgeous or perfect. He simply has to spark my soul. Sadly, so few men do....

I settled once. I will never settle again.

Top 10 Reasons Not To Date Me

Inspired by Ann Oxyer, I have compiled the Top 10 Reasons Not To Date Me.  She compiled this list after a session with her therapist, saying, “It gives me the opportunity to clarify what I will and won't accept in an intimate relationship with anyone from here on out.”  All of us changed and grow. That is a given.  And, it’s understandable when you are in an intimate relationship…if one person changes or grows then it can be frustrating to the partner and can cause them to part ways.  This is why I feel it is only fair to “warn” anyone up front of top ten things that may cause you distress, heartburn, indigestion, or possible discomfort. If none of these things are a show stopper to you, perhaps we could do dinner. If they are, move along. Nothing to see here.  It does not mean we can’t be friends. We just know it has to stay there.

10. Swearing – I am an elegant and composed woman who has grown up predominantly in the South and has lovely manners and can out etiquette even Emily Post at times. I can be gracious, poised and beautiful in any situation and know how to act appropriately in a variety of settings. I can, however, cuss like a sailor and am not afraid to do it in certain settings, situations, and to certain people. My momma asked me once, “Why didn’t you tell douche bag to FUCK OFF when he was being such a jerk.” I looked chagrined and told her, “You raised me to be a lady and not to use that sort of language with certain people. I thought I was supposed to respect my husband and I didn’t want to lower myself to acting like he was or in any way that reminded me of one of those screeching harpies on COPS.”  Momma (Endora) looked at me and said, “Some people deserve to be told that. If you are worried about being rude or disrespectful, that’s when you say, ‘Fuck off, SIR!’ “  (I love my mom).  This does not mean I am going to embarrass you or act in disrespectful way to people in general but if I drop a hammer on my toe or you suggest I do something ludicrous, don’t get shocked if I drop the “F” bomb.

09.  Scars – I do not have pristine skin. I have been through a lot in my life and I have the badges (scars) to show for it. I have had cancer and host scars from all the treatments and surgeries. I have had open heart surgery so have that lovely “could go as an autopsy victim” for Halloween scar. I have a small scar on the back of my right hand, one on my left cheek/temple from riding into a mailbox on my bicycle when I was a kid. I have a long scar that runs from my ankle to two inches above my knee from where they removed the main vein in my leg to fix my heart. I am also tattooed. I have started work on my sleeve and it is an epilogue for the adventures I have been on in life so far. Oh, and I broke my nose as a kid so it’s cute and perky but a little crooked. You want “perfection” or Hollywood pretty? Move along. If you want character and wisdom in a face that doesn’t scare little kids, I may be your girl.

08. Atheist – I am an atheist. I recognize and respect that others have different religious views and opinions. I am not one of those atheists that wishes to constantly argue their position or opinion. I feel no need to “prove” anything to you nor do I feel any need to bash your beliefs. I find religion fascinating and can discuss it for hours on end with intelligent people like Rabbis, Priests, Sikhs, Buddhists, Muslims, and other assorted folks. But the second it turns into a slam session or some pissing contest, I’m out. I would not presume to try to talk you out of your beliefs so all I ask is don’t try to shove yours down my throat. If the fact I am going to hell in a hand basket causes you great distress and tears…please please please do us both a favor and pass me by.

07.  Education & Job – I am an accomplished woman. I have THREE degrees (two undergrad and one grad). I am smart. I border on geeky. If you find my intelligence makes you feel insecure or less than a man, move along. If you are going to get in a snit if I beat you at Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit, move along. If you are going to scream at me that I am “trying to make you look stupid” when I use a word like ‘cornucopia’ or correct your spelling in the Xmas letter, move along. If every time I pick up a book on quantum theory or math you wrinkle your nose and roll your eyes and get huffy, MOVE ALONG.  I am the girl that actually GETS the jokes on Big Bang Theory and doesn’t just laugh because Sheldon is acting like a prissy little robot when he says it.

I also have a real grown up job as an important person with huge responsibility. I work very hard and am the SME (if you have to ask…) in my area. I make very very close to six figures a year and am on call 24/7 for my expertise in handling things.  If we make a date and I get a call, the date might get cancelled. For folks who live outside my “world” that could be a deal breaker or piss you off. But for those who can understand my background and my responsibilities then they will understand it’s not personal.   

06. Sexy -  I am sexy. And I like sex. I have a gorgeous curvy luscious body. Men look at me. If this upsets you or bothers you or makes you assume I will fuck it if it breathes…move along. Some women get all ‘eww’ about sex.  I am the kind of woman that ONCE WE HAVE A CONNECTION AND I FEEL COMFORTABLE might just wear you out.  I will be the one telling you to pull the car over in the dark park so I can blow you. I will be the one sneaking a grope of your ass in the grocery store. I will be the one slithering my hand down for a nice long stroke up your front after I have pulled you into a dark corner or around the side of a building. I will be the one that leans close at the cocktail party and starts whispering delicious detail about what I want to do to you and how I want to do it.  Don’t interpret this as I will screw anyone or thing. Don’t interpret this as I will jump into the sack with anything that gives me the wink. I am a very discriminate woman and I have not had very many men but rest assured if you win a pole position…your pole will not want for attention.

05. Fitness – One of the things douche bag did to me was suck all my desire and motivation for the gym and exercise out of me. He made it a point to discourage, sabotage and downright “forbid” me to exercise.  Never again. I do not care if you can run a marathon or bench press a car but if you ever EVER EVER make a single remark putting me down for working out, running, swimming, lifting weights, playing soccer or doing anything physical I will, I repeat, I WILL kick you to the curb faster than a tin can in a Brooklyn street game.  I am a strong girl. I don’t NEED a man to fuss over me or chastise me or tell me I should take it easy because I am just not a “real athlete” or something is just too much for me to try.  I went 12 years without anyone giving a flying fig about me so I learned to take care of myself. Don’t swoop in and act like my babysitter or nursemaid or mother.  I don’t need or want to be coddled. I need and want to be respected. Offer your opinion, give me advice, share your experience but don’t get your dick in a knot if I don’t bow down, kiss your ass and suck up and follow every directive you have given like you are a God on high. I am my own woman and until you have proven yourself to me and I can trust you, you have absolutely NO RIGHT to get pissed off at me if I research what you said, ask others for their opinion, or seek additional advice.

04.  Funny – I am pretty damn funny. If you have no sense of humor, move along. If you can’t handle dark or morbid humor, move along. If you are so PC that I can shove a lump of coal up your ass and have a diamond inside a week…yup…you got it. Move along.

03. Abuse –  My ex has Male Borderline Personality Disorder. I have become a lay expert on it. I know all the tricks now about how these men (and men with similar mental illnesses) function. I am an expert in understanding and being able to spot when a man starts to pull some crap to try and make me feel guilty, starts playing some victim card, starts to minimize his behavior when I call him on it, men who twist things they said to change the meanings, and men who presume to tell me what I think. I know exactly what I think and the minute you say to me that I “must” mean something else and it’s always something you can take offense to or act like was a slight to you….lol I can see it a mile away now. This especially goes to men who have never met me.  Just because you enjoy my posts and think I am pretty cool and we chat a little online does NOT mean you know me and you have absolutely no right to begin to take liberties with my feelings, emotions, or words that I don’t even allow my most trusted confidants to take. If I tell you my ex did something…that’s it. Don’t twist that into some “oh, you are comparing me to your ex” crap. DUH! Of course I am comparing ever motherfucker I meet to him. That’s what a SMART girl does. THAT’S how a smart girl avoids making the same mistakes. I don’t trust easy and I have a fabulous circle of men around me that model good, strong, sane, appropriate, and HEALTHY behavior. You will be compared, judged, measured, and looked at harshly. I was tricked by a sweet handsome smooth talker once who almost killed me. I will not fall prey to that again. EVER. Don’t like it? Move along.

02. Mom – I am a mother. I am raising a gorgeous, brilliant, amazing little girl whose father has abandoned her and who has some of her own fears and concerns after watching what her father did to me. She is now and will ALWAYS be my number one priority. Forever. I will not abandon her like her father did. If she gets sick and pukes an hour before our date, I will call and cancel. If she is having a panic attack before I leave, I will be late. If she doesn’t like you because you act like a jerk to me or behind my back like her dad did, YOU ARE TOAST. Good bye. Don’t like that she is my best friend and priority? Buh-bye.

01. My Men. I am friends with many men. I am VERY VERY VERY close to them. I have not slept with any of them and I may never sleep with any of them. But I will NOT stop speaking to them or being friends with them or caring for them if you ask. I will always buy them birthday presents and bake them cookies and invite them to Christmas dinner and do sweet things for them. I will text and email with them, talk on the phone. I will kiss them and hug them and hold their hand if they need it. Share stories, experiences, and ask for advice. These men have been there for me in my darkest hours and are my best friends. They are not going away. You have a simple choice: you can be amazing enough to earn my respect and join their ranks…or you can get petty, jealous, and small minded and you will go away.  Those who have made it to that level in my life say to me, “Wow. You treat me better just as a friend than most girlfriends treat their boyfriend and better than many wives treat their husbands.” Those in my small close circle all know each other, respect each other and give a nod to each other because they realize how important they have been in my healing. None of them have a problem with the others.  If you have a problem with them…YOU are the one that will be shown the door.

So. There it is. My list. There may be other little reasons not to date me. That I like Chelsea Football Club, I am a Picard over Kirk girl, I have a stuffed Cthulu, I use a lot of garlic when I cook, I am not a big drinker, I don’t party, and I can’t sew to save my life.  Hopefully, I have saved some of you the trouble of wasting your time on me.  For those select few who aren’t turned off by all that… *shrugs*  I’ll try to think up some more stuff to dissuade you. ;)  

Does Size Does Matter ? (My First Crush)

Okay. The "does size matter" was sort of a tease. This doesn't have anything to do with cock.  But, maybe, in a way, it does answer the question.

Football season has started. I just recently saw something having to do with Penn State.  Penn State happens to trigger the memories of my first real grown up crush.  This was after my first serious boyfriend/fiancee and agreed to mutually break up....it had just sort of lost it's steam.  It was summer and I was approved for an internship with a local police department.  My criminalistics instructor had suggested to me that I look into an internship to get an idea what the work was like as he thought I had what it took to be a homicide investigator after I accepted his dare and ordered AND ate a pepperoni pizza during the night we spent two hours going through the blunt force trauma photos.

Anyway. There I was.  I was meeting my "mentor" for the summer. In retrospect, a few people did sort of try to warn me but there really isn't any good way to prepare for it so they let me walk into it cold.  Or maybe (as I was to come to find out over the course of the summer) they just thought it would be funny to see how I reacted.  You see, my mentor was normal in all ways except for his face.  Many years before he had been badly beaten in the line of duty and the entire left side of his skull caved in by the steel toe boot on his attacker.  He looked, honestly, scary as hell. The right side of his face, in profile, looked completely normal, but when he turned it to look at you straight on or show you his left profile, he was a monster.  His face was covered with horrible scars and while they had tried their best to rebuild it's structure...they didn't quite manage. He was seriously deformed.  We are talking Night of the Living Dead deformed. 

I recall being shocked but then curious but then we started up right away as he had just caught the call of a woman who had been raped so we had to head out.  I spent four months working with him.  He was amazing. He was intelligent, compassionate, tough, clever, funny, and serious.  He jogged and he carried around a tiny igloo cooler where he kept yogurt and a bag of blueberries to snack on during the day.  We worked one HUGE case together in the beginning that was so famous it was on the national news.  I won't go into detail on which one, it matters not, but I still recall him coming into the file room where I was pulling mug shots for a photo lineup for another case we were working and told me the victim had finally died and we had to to to the autopsy. 

By the end of the summer, I had the biggest hugest most ridiculous school girl crush on this man.  I was totally 100% head over heels in love with him. Infatuated. Dreaming about how he might kiss me or take me to dinner or fall in love with me after my internship was over.  His face still looked the same but I sort of stopped noticing it really.  It was just part of him and I really liked HIM so it didn't really matter.

So. Did anything happen?  No. He was also way older then me, happily married to a wonderful woman and had a gorgeous family.  I would have never attempted anything first and foremost because it would be horribly unprofessional but also because it would just be inappropriate to try to steal a happily married man from his wife and children.  But I so did spend every night as I feel asleep fantasizing about what if....

Not all women want a man with a fancy car or a huge bank account or even with an entire face.  There do exist women who can fall in love with a man for his mind, his charisma, his humor, his intelligence, and his soul.  Sure, looks don't always hurt but they are not the be all, end all either. 

I am not sure why I wrote this other then the fact that I haven't thought about him in years.  But I saw the Penn State sticker and a rush of nostalgia flooded me. Sweet memories of being a young kid with a school girl crush on her mentor, the Monster.

If he is out there now and stumbles on this, he will know exactly who he is.  Thought he might like to know I still think about him and hope he is doing well. And that he still is in the top five of the sexiest men I have ever known.

OFFICIAL APPLICATION TO DATE ME

If you wish to date me or meet for a get to know you, you will need to complete and submit the following application to be considered.

NAME:                                                                                                                                                                                                 
AGE:                                                                                                                                                                                                     
LEVEL OF EDUCATION: 
BIZARRE GENETIC TRAITS:
LIST OF  MEDICATIONS:


Have You Ever (Please Circle All That Apply):
a.      Been Arrested
b.      Been Charged & Convicted With a Felony
c.       Yelled and Screamed At A Woman
d.      Yelled and Screamed Like A Woman
e.       Killed An Animal When Not Hunting (Insects Do Not Count)
f.        Set Fires To See The Pretty Flames Burn And Dance
g.      Sustained A Serious Head Injury
h.      Been Suspended From School
i.         Been Fired From A Job
j.        Shot A Gun
k.       Been In Handcuffs

Tell Me About Your Mother
a.      I Hate That Red Headed Jezebel With A Passion That Rivals The Prince Of Hell Himself
b.      She Is A Saint…Want To See The Pictures I Took Of Me Giving Her A Pedicure Last Weekend?
c.       She is cool. She can be annoying sometimes but that’s just because she’s my mom and she loves me.
d.      Sometimes I Love Her. Sometimes I Hate Her. Sometimes I Get This Urge To Find a Hooker That Looks Like Her And Strangle Her With Her Own Nylons

Are You (Please Circle)                   Straight                                                                BiSexual


 
DATES AND SOCIALIZATION

A Wife Beater T-Shirt Is Acceptable Attire
a.      On a First Date
b.      Any Place That Does Not Require A Tie
c.       Maybe While I Am Painting My House
d.      Never

Do You Have Any Tattoos? If Yes, What And Where:

 
Sending Flowers To A Woman Is
a.      Stupid and a Waste Of Money Because They Die Anyway.
b.      How To Get Her To Sleep With You
c.       I Refuse To Join The Mass Herd Of Consumers By Contributing To The Floral Industry
d.      A Nice Way To Show Her You Are Thinking About Her

Jewelry Is
a.      Expensive
b.      Stupid
c.       Only Appropriate After We Have Known Each Other For A While
d.      How To Get Her To Sleep With You

A Great First Date Would Be
a.      A NASCAR RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
b.      AN INDY CAR RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
c.       Two For One Hot Dog Night At The Drag Strip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
d.      A  quiet dinner and maybe sharing dessert over coffee.

My Favorite Kinds Of Food (Please Circle All That Apply)
a.      Fusion
b.      Mexican
c.       Italian
d.      Asian
e.       French
f.        Vegan
g.      Other: (Please Specify)

I Smoke (Please Circle)                   Yes                         No

If Yes, Please Quantify:
a.      Less Than A Pack A Day
b.      A Pack A Day
c.       More Than A Pack A Day
d.      Cigars And/Or Pipes
e.       Weed
f.        Meth
g.      Only In Bed Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaby!
h.      Like A Chimney, If You Put Your Head To My Chest You Can Hear My Lungs Crinkle Like Tissue Paper

I Drink (Please Circle)                      Yes                         No

If Yes, Please Quantify:
a.      Occasionally
b.      Usually a Few Beers or Glasses Of Wine On The Weekends
c.       Daily
d.      I Keep A Bottle In My Desk At Work…shhhhhh.
e.       So Much That Black Outs Compose A Significant Portion Of My Memory
f.        I Won’t Need To Be Embalmed When I Die

Do You Have Any Of The Following Fetishes (Please Circle All That Apply)
a.      Feet
b.      Shoes
c.       Stockings
d.      BDSM
e.       Leather
f.        Farm Animals
g.      Furniture
h.      Piercings / Tattoos
i.         Other (Please Elaborate):

 
MUSIC

Five Albums I Would Want If Stranded On A Desert Island
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Favorite Three Songs To Make Out To
1.
2.
3.

Music I Pretend To Not Like But Secretly Love:


What I Usually Listen To On The Car Radio:


The Last Three Concerts I Attended Were
1.
2.
3.

I Dance In Public Like
a.      Fred Astaire
b.      Elaine From Seinfeld
c.       Beavis And/Or Butthead
d.      I Don’t.

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY

A Computer Is
a.      Totally Great For Looking At Free Porn
b.      A Programmable Machine That Receives Input, Stores and Manipulates Data/Information, and Provides Output in a Useful Format.
c.       An Aberration Of Nature and Proof Of The Evil Secular Science Has Brought Down Upon Us. Praise Jesus.
d.      Like, Totally A Giant Energy Hog And Totally Not In Harmony With Our Mother Nature and Sister Forest And It’s Electromagnetic Field Totally Nudges My Tao Out Of Sync Man…

A Google Image Search Would Reveal How Many Pictures Of Your Penis?
a.      Zero
b.      1 to 10
c.       You Can’t Prove It’s Mine, My Face Isn’t In The Pictures
d.      Here’s A Link To My Website, Count Them Yourself:___________________________________

I Need To Always Have The Newest Gadget, Regardless of Cost Because
a.      I Am Insecure About The Size of My Penis So I Overcompensate By Spending Money On Technology
b.      I Don’t. I Get What I Need When I Need It And Am Not A Slave To Advertising Propaganda Or Desperate To Fit Into The Herd
c.       It Makes Me Cool, Duh
d.      Chicks Dig It

TRAVEL AND LESIURE

I Like To Spend Weekends
a.      Sitting On My Ass Watching TV
b.      Getting Totally Drunk With Buddies
c.       I Am Not Sure, I Can’t Remember Much Of Any Of Them…I Have These Blackouts
d.      Calling Ex-Girlfriends For Bail Money
e.       None Of The Above


I Would Love To Travel To
a.      Somewhere Remote, Private, Romantic, or Exotic
b.      Somewhere We Could Go Camping and Sleep Under the Stars
c.       Anywhere With You
d.      Wilmington for NASCAR, BAAAAAAAABYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
e.       Amsterdam So I Can Get High Legally

Zinfindel is
a.      How Vladimir Putin says “the infidel”
b.      The Name of Luxomberg before It Gained Independence From The French Empire in 1815
c.       The Pitcher For The Boston Red Sox
d.      A Cheeky Little Red That Has Hints of Raspberry and Goes Well With A Nice Filet.

SPORTS

As A Kid, I Played The Following Sports:

In High School, I Played The Following Sports:

In College, I Played The Following Sports:

Currently, I Play The Following Sports:

I Go To The Gym Or Work Out
a.      Never
b.      1-2 times a Week
c.       3-4 times a Week
d.      5-6 times a Week
e.       Every Day

My Favorite Sports Teams Are:

Major Sporting Events You Attend Or I Should Know You Will Cease Speaking To Me During:

VEHICLES

A Car Is
a.      The Only Woman I Have Ever Really Loved
b.      An Extension Of My Penis
c.       A Way To Get From Point A to Point B
d.      My Life

I Currently Own:


I Would Love One Day To Own:



I Have The Following Project Cars In My Possession:




How Much I Spend Annually On Parts/Bling/Mods/Audio For My Car(s) (Do Not Include Property Taxes, Registration Fees, County/Town Decals etc)
a.      $0 - $100
b.      $100 - $1000
c.       $2000 - $5000
d.      More Than $5000 a Year



ART & LITERATURE

Grendal is
a.      Hansel’s Sister
b.      International Swedish Porn Star Best Known For Her Work In Bork Me 1, 2, and 3
c.       Beowulf’s Antagonist
d.      A Hand Crank Operated Millstone Used To Grind Wheat For Bread

Frankenstein was written by
a.      Stephen King
b.      Tom Clancy
c.       Shakespeare
d.      Mary Shelley

An Oedipus Complex is
a.      Something I Suffer From
b.      Is Named After A Shakespearian Play Concerning the Mythical Greek king of Thebes
c.       A Dinosaur From the Cenozoic Era Similar To But Slightly Larger Than A Velociraptor
d.      Where They Play The Match Finals For Wimbeldon If There Is Rain

HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU OWN?
a.      None
b.      1-10
c.       11-50
d.      I Refuse To Count Them All Because Then I’d Have To Admit I Have A Problem

HISTORY

William Wallace
a.      Has A Dog Named Grommit
b.      Is Scotland’s Greatest Patriot
c.       Was Proved To Be The True Identity of Jack The Ripper
d.      Was The Third Duke of Nottingham

What Roman General Conquered Gaul in The First Century BC
a.      General Colin Powell
b.      General Electric
c.       Julius Ceaser
d.      Napolean Bonaparte

Between What Two Countries Was The Hundred Years War Mainly Fought?
a.      Iraq and Iran
b.      Afghanistan and the Soviet Union
c.       The United States of America and England
d.      France and England

SCIENCE

Schrödinger had a
a.      Dog
b.      Cat
c.       Parakeet
d.      A Wicked Bad Case Of Herpes

Top, Bottom, Up, Down, Charm, and Strange are types of
a.       Women
b.      Sexual Positions
c.       Quarks
d.      Breakfast Cereal

E=MC²  is
a.       Planck’s Constant Which Reflects the Sizes of Quanta in Quantum Mechanics
b.      The Equation Identifying that Energy is Equal to Mass Times The Squared Velocity of Light In Centimeters Per Second
c.       An Affront to God
d.      The Thing That Einstein Dude Said

If I brought you a nice tall glass of cold dihydrogen monoxide, would you:
a.       Call The Police And Have Me Arrested For Attempted Murder?
b.      Drink It?
c.       Use It To Lubricate Your Car Engine?
d.      Inhale It And Enjoy The High?

ESSAY QUESTION
Describe your plans for our first date. In detail.  At least 300 Words.  You will be evaluated for content, spelling, grammar and your use of (or inability to use) appropriate punctuation as well as your ability to count to three hundred.


BONUS The Holy Roman Emperor Was Neither Holy, Nor Roman, Nor an Emperor. Discuss.