The Sheer Terror of Running

Yes. That's correct. Terror.

Many folks know my story. Many do not. To make it short and sweet: I have had some experiences that have left me with a tendency to panic and anxiety attacks.  To be honest, I am so so so much better now than I was two years ago. I'd almost argue I am "cured" but then days like today happen. So I know I am still working on it

For those not familiar with a panic attack (courtesy Wikipedia):

Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset and of relatively brief duration. Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, reach a peak within 10 minutes, and subside over the next several hours. Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life and may take days to initially recover from.Repeated panic attacks are considered a symptom of panic disorder.

Sufferers of panic attacks often report a fear or sense of dying, "going crazy," or experiencing a heart attack or "flashing vision," feeling faint or nauseated, a numb sensation throughout the body, heavy breathing (and almost always, hyperventilation), or losing control of themselves. Some people also suffer from tunnel vision, mostly due to blood flow leaving the head to more critical parts of the body in defense. These feelings may provoke a strong urge to escape or flee the place where the attack began (a consequence of the sympathetic "fight-or-flight response") in which the hormone which causes this response is released in significant amounts. This response floods the body with hormones, particularly epinephrine (adrenaline), that aid it in defending against harm.

A panic attack is a response of the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). The most common symptoms may include trembling, dyspnea (shortness of breath), heart palpitations, chest pain (or chest tightness), hot flashes, cold flashes, burning sensations (particularly in the facial or neck area), sweating, nausea, dizziness (or slight vertigo), light-headedness, hyperventilation, paresthesias (tingling sensations), sensations of choking or smothering, difficulty moving and derealization. These physical symptoms are interpreted with alarm in people prone to panic attacks. This results in increased anxiety, and forms a positive feedback loop."

I have actually been dealing with a low level of anxiety all week and today I cried all the way to work. Some of the way home. While getting my gear together for the race.  You see...this week is the two year anniversary of when my marriage imploded and my husband left me (with bruises and bite marks, not just for another woman). I had been doing pretty well and not really thinking of him much but then my shrink dragged it all up Wednesday night and it's sort of had a choke hold on me.

Anyway. What am I having panic about? Not sure. The queer thing is that sometimes I can point to something and say, "Oh, yes...THAT is making me panic" and other times it is just this nebulous vague thing I can't quite put a finger on.  It's the race. I know that. What about the race? Can't figure that part out.

So, I type this tonight in an effort to calm myself while I wait for Thomas. To soothe myself with words as the tippity tap of the keys have this sort of zen thing for me and because I have to focus on the words I put forth it helps sort of block out all the other crap that is provoking anxiety.

The race is really pinging me right now. I have thought of a dozen different excuses not to run tomorrow. Maybe more than a dozen. I have wished to be in a car accident to get me out of it. Stood next to a guy with strep throat and breathed in deep. Tried to pretend that not going was really a responsible thing to do as I should get some rest blah blah blah. But I know I am being a chicken so I can say that crap all I want but I know deep down inside I am just bullshitting myself. 

My gear is all laid out. I have already stood in my bedroom and choked back sobs. I have already washed my  face after crying. I have stood in the bathroom focusing on my breath. Breathe two three, calm down, it will be okay, breath two three, stop panicking you will be okay, breathe two three, there is nothing to worry about, breathe....

And I will calm down. Think it's over. Then another thought will hit me and I'll buckle again. So this is how my night has gone. Tomorrow morning? I am pretty sure I will feel like I need to vomit profusely up until I actually cross the start line.

I am terrified. Literally. I can feel tears well up in my eyes now as I type as it is starting again.  I am so afraid. Of what? No earthly idea. It's not logical and makes no sense (which is part of why it bothers me so much).

I think I wrote this to take a snapshot in time. I hope to one day look back and chuckle at this. Oh, remember when I used to be afraid all the time?  I think I wrote this because once I post it I know I will still be thinking of chicken shit ways to not go. But now I am accountable and you all will KNOW I am being a chicken shit if I don't. And we can't have that, can we?  ;)  I think I write this because I still struggle to understand WHY I panic for no reason. Is it because I am afraid I can't do it? No...  Is it because I am afraid I will suck? Not really. It's pretty well been established I suck so that no big news flash. Is it because there will be 20,000 people there? Okay maybe that one. A little. Is it because every time I step across a start line and do something like this it reminds me how far I have come since douche bag and how badly he hurt me and how precious freedom is and how close I came to dying.... we could be getting somewhere.

Thomas is home now so I will wrap up. In the end, I wrote this tonight to perhaps remind myself that while other people enter these races to win or to get a PR or a better time than the last...or maybe just to say, "Hey, I can do this".  I think I enter them because the biggest hardest part of them for me is: stepping across the start line. If I start...that's my emotional FINISH line. The 5k itself is like a victory lap AFTER the triumph of starting. 

Maybe this makes sense to some. I don't know. It doesn't always make sense to ME. So I will go to sleep tonight afraid. Wake up sick to my stomach. Probably cry as we drive over (quietly behind my sunglasses of course). Struggle not to vomit or pass out as we wait to start....then this clear calm will rise up like a tsunami...and that mass will start to move....and I will drop all this irritating burdensome emotional baggage and just run away from it. I will cross that line and for those brief few minutes it will all be okay. 

Wish me luck tomorrow.