But Does He Know What You Look Like....?

"I married you even though you aren't that pretty or thin....most men wouldn't have."
"I could leave you because you gained some weight....but I won't since I am a nice guy."
"I wasn't worried about him wanting you...I mean....really...he was just messing with you."
"I don't worry about you cheating on me. It's not like many men would want you."
"I kind of like that you aren't perfect because I don't have to worry about someone wanting you."

And on and on and on and on....

I like to think I am a smart woman. I am academically, I suppose. But after 12 years of hearing things like that ad nauseum.... I recognize how my thought process has been skewed by his words. He was never mean. More just like he was kidding or joshing or reminding me what a great guy he was by settling for/with me.

Then, it got worse.

"When we were in France, I was ashamed to be seen walking with you. Embarrassed for me and for you."
"I can't possibly get hard around you. No man could."
"Not even I am generous enough to love you despite your looks."

Etc.

I think the final straw came a few months after we had seperated. He had come over to spend a few hours with our daughter and he immediately had to brag to me about how many women he had bedded and how happy he was with how amazing they looked and how wonderful their bodies were. He was bragging and going on and on and then paused dramatically to inquire how MY love life was doing. I maintained a calm and cool face while inside I was screaming, "Love life? Love life?  I don't have time for a fucking love life. I am now a single parent with no child support working a full time plus job in a high stress environment home schooling our daughter on the side and trying to get a house ready to sell and legal papers drawn up to divorce your sorry ass and besides all that you fucking raped me twice the last night we were together so it's not like I can just go out and fuck some guy like I'd order a pizza or go trick or treating you stupid fucking......"  Etc. But...I just said it in my head.

He started to dig at me. Sort of this sympathetic tsk tsking that...oh he's so sorry, he shouldn't have asked, he sort of forgot how much harder it would be for me to find someone to have sex with considering my looks and age etc.  I was incensed but maintained calm. Desperately wanting to refute him but being on the spot as to how, I mentioned that Ace and I were discussing getting together but hadn't finialized the plans yet. His eyes positively fucking SPARKLED as he said,

"But, does he know what you LOOK like?"

I have been sprayed with OC spray in a tear gas base and kick boxed for three years in the 90s so have taken a number of kicks and punches to the gut but I have never in my life felt the breath knocked out of me like I did when he said that.

I recovered with a "Yes." To which he rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah. Sure."

Then off he went to play a board game with his daughter.

It does not help when HIS perspective/opinion is reinforced by the media, marketing, and the plethora of men I meet in real life who are all obsessed with perfection and sometimes down right mean if you don't possess it. I actually had a man come up to me in Starbucks all smiley and flirty and sexy. He acted like he was about to introduce himself. Instead he purred in my ear, "You have such a pretty face....too bad the rest of you doesn't match".

I should have kicked him in the nuts. The only thing stopping me was the assault charge and potential loss of my clearance if I had.

Now. I am not a horrible ugly hideous woman. I have healed enough to say that.  I have some wonderful men in my life who know me, know what I look like, have spent time with me and know I am not young, perfect, that I have scars and am not skinny and a few wrinkles around my eyes.  Captain Awesome loves to wrap his arms around me and hug me. Thomas thinks I am luscious and delicious and beautiful. AM seems to enjoy finding excuses to touch my shoulder or stand so close to me I can feel him pressed closed. Ace is ready for action as soon as we can sync our geography. Even my mystery man spent several hours giving me deep passionate kisses and is looking forward to our next date so that he can give me more....and even more....

I recognized my brain was "washed" so to speak. I recognize the "truth" is not what I thought it was. However, it's a process to change the default. It's a process to not cry when I look at myself in the mirror. (He used to make fun of my nose all the time...I am almost to the point where I don't think it's hideous). I tell others and they look confused. My nose is normal. Cute. Perky. Adorable. FINE.... But when I look at it, I see a "witch nose" as he would call it. It took two men who care for me to sit me down and convince me I did not need plastic surgery.

I wrote this today because I had a very bad panic attack. Anxiety attack. My daughter has a dinner at the country club this evening as a graduation for her manners class. She was picking out which dress she wanted me to wear. I was doing fine but for some reason I started to shake and get a lump in my throat and feel like I was going to cry. Why? At the thought of how horrible I would look. At how ugly I would look. I was ashamed to even leave the house and torture others with my appearance. Of course, I kept this all in and didn't say a peep to my daughter. Don't need to spread my nuerosis to her. But it was a struggle to pretend to be all chirpy and happy and excited. To not come up with some excuse not to go so I didn't have to be seen and embarrass HER.

I took deep breaths. I washed the dishes...a sort of zen calming thing to focus. I sat down to write this piece to work things out in my mind.

I know I am not horrible. I know I am actually rather pretty to some men. Some men even think I am gorgeous. I look forward to the day I can see myself as I really am and not how he made me think I was.