Totally Did NOT Expect That

So. Today I was getting interviewed by an investigator. In my role, we have to get background checks done every few years. Not a problem. In the past, they have never interviewed the spouse so it never occurred to me that they would now that we are divorced.

Apparently, because we are divorced now, they DO interview them, at least this first time after the divorce.

Totally not a problem. I am not worried at all that he will say something untoward or inappropriate or slanderous as I just don't think he's a nasty person in THAT way.

The problem occurred when the investigator asked me if I had his address.

I don't.

They asked, "Can you get it?"

The thought of calling him turned my stomach inside out.

I thought about texting him and started to shake.

The investigator looked at me concerned and asked if I was okay.

I gave them a VERY short, concise brief and sanitized version of what had happened with him and they asked if there was a friend I could call to get the information from so I wouldn't have to talk to him directly.

I thought about it and didn't really know or think so.

I struggled to blink back tears and said that I could give them the name of where he worked and I could give them his cell phone number...

I was visibly shaking now and my voice was quavering and I was rather taken aback at the fact I was having such a violent reaction to the idea of making any contact with him.

I felt stupid and weak and ridiculous.

The investigator assured me that THEY could call him and get his address and I would not have to speak to him.

I gave them his cell phone number and the name of where he worked and what he did.

We took a break for a moment and I went to the ladies room and broke down in the stall.

Then I washed my face and composed myself and went back to finish.

They asked what I thought he would say about me if they asked and I said he would be honest in that I was a good wife and a great mom and it just "didn't work out" with us. I said that I was pretty sure he'd be at the very least professional and polite and at best he would be very complimentary. He never insulted me to anyone else....only in private. So, unless something odd had happened I felt he would speak positively about me.

But, who knows?

They left and I sat down in my office and started to shake again just at the thought of him. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes (I can feel them again now) and was, again, kind of shocked that I was still having such a violent reaction to him.

It wasn't anger.
It wasn't rage.
It wasn't sadness.
It wasn't hurt.
It was pure FEAR.
I was absolutely terrified, not at the idea they would talk to him as I was honestly pretty sure he would be a gentleman, but the very idea of sending a simple text to say, "Hey, need your new address for..." made me feel like I was going to vomit and start to shake like I had Parkinson's. My adrenaline level shot high and I wanted to run and hide. Once they assured me that THEY would make contact, I was able to calm down.

Wow. I really was NOT expecting that to happen and it totally caught me off guard when it did.

I am okay tonight but each time I think back to almost having to text him, I feel my stomach tighten and I start to feel sick. Deep breaths.

Sigh.

:(

I know I have made so much progress but when this happened today I just felt like I was back at square one. I need to get a tissue now and stop crying.