I laughed.
He was serious.
I thought he was out of his mind.
I had looked at this year's presenters and topics and the idea of ME presenting made me think I'd look like a housewife sharing her grocery list at a global quantum physics symposium.
His response was along the lines of "have you met a quantum physicist? None of them have the first clue about how to make a grocery list, let alone actually GO grocery shopping!"
He continued to make his case and I reluctantly started to see his point. Embrace it. But, me? Sure, I was smart and knew my stuff but to present it to that audience? The thought was intimidating. I had no (in my opinion) fancy credentials. He countered by listing all my credentials. As he described me to myself I actually started to think:
I suppose to someone who didn't know me that might sound impressive.
Where did that come from? Another douche bag remnant. I owned it. Sigh. I made a deal with him. Let me go to the conference this year and get a feel for it. This was still a new field to me and I felt incredibly out if my league and element. But, I promised, my goal would be to write and submit a paper to present next year and I'd submit for consideration to see if I was asked to be a speaker. Couldn't hurt to try.
He was excited. I was a little, too. I caught myself feeling smart and awesome with a smile on my face as I walked. I felt this sudden need to reach out and hold her back. Why?
I said to him later that night that he had better be careful as I was starting to believe all the wonderful things he was telling me about myself.... And the consequences of that could be...
Dangerous?
Spectacular?
Amazing?
I still don't feel like I can do this. But "she" had a notebook open on the passenger seat as I drove to work today and by the time I hit Starbucks I had already outlined the first ten slides of that presentation. I may end up looking like a complete fool. Or I may not. But being a Fool is not necessarily a bad thing.
I guess we'll find out...
In the tarot, the first card is the Fool.
"The Fool almost always stands for new beginnings, new experiences and new choices; the first steps along a new path and the first words written onto a blank page. Like the Aces of the Minor Arcana, such beginnings are like the Fool himself - neither positive nor negative, but with the potential to turn into either, depending on the choices you make and the path you follow. But this must not be your concern, because when a journey begins no one can know (or should know) what will happen on the way to the destination. Never let another person control your life. Live in the present and trust in your own abilities - this is the way of the Fool.
Such journeys always imply a degree of risk, and hence the Fool is pictured walking toward the edge of a high cliff. With any new experience there is always the risk of failure and the certainty of change; it is the degree of change, and how that change will appear, that are undeterminable. But the Fool has no qualms about taking chances, so why should you? It is through the first steps that we learn how to walk, and it is through changes that we learn how to live our lives in harmony and peace. So jump head first into the abyss of the unknown, and know that even if you eventually fall to the ground, for a while you will soar." -James Rioux
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