I Quit

I did. I was trying to do my first set of squats with just the bar to warm up this morning and I just could not focus. My mind was all over the place, my right knee felt off, I could hear it click and pop. Other muscles were sore or felt weak.

I suddenly felt angry and disappointed that I couldn't find the zone and my body didn't seem to want to participate today. Then... For the first time ever... I lost my balance. 

My torso shifted back and I felt the bar pulling me back mid squat and I was terrified I would fall and fuck my back up or break my arm and I went into complete panic mode. I wrenched myself forward and managed to recover without falling down or getting hurt. I shakily tried a few more but I could feel the anxiety and my brain was a mess so I stopped. I quit.

I realized that my state of mind was not contributing to a safe workout so I stopped. I was all alone in the weight room so I just rested my forehead on the bar and cried silently.

I allowed myself a few minutes to just be sad, depressed, and weak. Then I forced myself to do eight perfect squats with the bar. Then I officially racked it and quit.

I went down and did some sets of bench press then I flopped on the leg press with a few plates, closed my eyes and just pushed. I did not count. I did not care. I just pushed until my hamstrings requested a break, I gave them a short one, then I started pushing again. Over and over until it was time to leave. 

I am in a funk now but I know it will pass. Life is still good... Some days are just harder than others.