I cannot comprehend going back....

So, the gal I mentor told me today that she had a weak moment and almost called her on his way to being her ex husband. He's a douche bag. They have been together 27 years. Apparently, it was my sharing my story that gave her the courage to leave. She told me last week when we were on a group business trip that she had finally said the "D" word to him (divorce).

She didn't actually ask him for one. She has a house close to her office and he lives in their big house a few hours away. Occasionally, she goes there on weekends but has spent most of the last two years trying to avoid going there if at all possible. She is just so unhappy and he is not a nice man.

So, she confesses to me this morning that when he got mad she wasn't coming home and they had the argument and the topic of divorce came up, she said she had suggested to him that he keep the big house, she keep the little one and they go their separate ways. He slammed the phone down and they haven't spoken since.

I asked her why she almost called him and she was honest in that she was afraid to be alone.

I said I could sympathize with that because it's scary to face the future without any idea or assurance as to what it might hold. Her children are all grown and gone but I had to do it with a small child. So, I can totally understand. I thought hard though and as rough as it is to be alone... As scary and sad and boring and depressing and overwhelming and just....just....so sad sometimes...I would still take it for the rest of my life over five minutes back with db.

I pointed out that she could be alone IN a relationship with NO chance of ever being happy or alone OUT of a relationship with at least the chance to be happy.

She agreed but was still sad and I got her a tissue to wipe her tears.

I told her is was hard and she would cry and that's okay. I told her that even three years later sometimes I still drove to work in tears or drove home in them. Not because I missed him or wished to be back with him but because I too well understood the overwhelming feeling of being lonely and wondering if anyone would EVER love you again... Although, in my case, it would be would anyone ever love me? (I realize now that db did not love me).

It's not a perky or exciting post. And I do realize that there are some who do love me in their way. I often wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life. The thought makes me very very very sad. But even the crushing sadness of solitude is no where near as painful as the bottomless depression I had begun to sink into towards the end of the marriage. Back then, there seemed to be no answer and no chance of ever having a happy future. At least now, there is a chance.

Until the stars align me with the one who will hold my hand when I am afraid, hug me when I need warmth, and love me for all I am, I will be brave and appreciate the fact that I am no longer despised, resented, and abused for it.