Nothing in particular was wrong. Nothing went wrong. To be honest, things have been wonderful. Life is good. Training has been going better. Even my nutrition has improved and I lost a pound this last week. I am even having fun planning a surprise party for NM with Alpha. We have been exchanging late night emails planning food and decorations and he even came up with the idea to have a movie together after dinner and suggested Sixteen Candles or Breakfast Club. So...what happened?
Just one of those days. Driving to the gym, I suddenly got so sad and depressed and overwhelmed. I cried so much I had to reach into my gym bag and pull out a t-shirt to wipe the tears away as I drove. I tried to get them all out so I wouldn't let them interfere with the workout I had been looking forward to and I thought I had. Until Awesome came up and asked me how I was. He knows by now when I don't say anything and just quickly look away that means something is wrong. But, as is our way, we proceeded. He knows me well enough now to know I needed to throw some weight around and not just sit and chat.
We started the first set of complexes and I managed not to cry until we hit the push ups at the end. The push ups didn't make me cry but my mind just sort of barfed all over and I couldn't hold back the tears. No sobs or girly weeping. Just big round tears rolling down my face. He looked concerned but I kept staring at the floor. A sip of water and we started round two. The concentration involved with the lifts was enough to distract me but, once again, when I went down for push ups.... it was all I could do to maintain control. I did six nice pushups and then sat back on my heels with my head on my hands on the floor and just lost it. I cried. Not huge loud obnoxious cries but he could tell I was shaking and I was not laughing. He gently suggested we stop for the night and take a walk. I ignored him. He kept talking low and gentle and said it was okay if I just wanted to end it early tonight but it was up to me. He suggested we go for a walk again and all I could think was if we did he would want me to tell him everything and then I would and I didn't want to sound like a whiny little bitch as it wasn't anything new, just old crap dredged up again. I stood there sweating buckets, tears rolling down my red face, arms shaking, hands on my hips....wanting SO bad to stop. Take a nice walk with a sweet handsome guy who actually gave a crap I was not having a good day and wanted to hear about it. I wanted to say, "Fuck it". I quit. I give up. Uncle. And I stood there. He was patient with me and said gently again, "What do you want?"
Oh the things that ran through my head to say but I knew he meant did I want to do another round or go for a walk. I wanted so badly to just lift so I could shut it off again. So, I sighed, bent over and picked up the weights. I almost smiled when he said, "Good girl."
I did another round and tried to make it perfect and when I knocked out the pushups at the end I would have sworn they were the best I had ever done in my life. Even he said that they were a good set. And, suddenly, I felt a little better. Those six pretty gosh darn good push ups did it. Those six pretty gosh darn good pushups AFTER fours sets of complexes where my arms felt weak and I was meh from tears and sadness and blah and suddenly.... suddenly the tide shifted and it got better. He asked me again if I wanted to quit and take a walk. We had time. I really wanted to but....I wanted to lift more. So I did one more round. And he was pleased. And I was pleased. And we wrapped it up with a little walk anyway. He has also been a little down (work) and we had a nice chat where I just let him talk. Some hugs and holding and then we were done.
There are days I have absolutely no clue WHY in the world I do what I do. Why do I push so hard? Why do I make myself ache and hurt? Why do I pick up heavy things and put them back down, over and over. What is the point? IS there a point?
The point is this: when I work out there comes a point where I have to focus. With the weight lifting, there is more focus sometimes than with the running, swimming, or biking where your mind can wander a little. With lifting, once you get deeper into the sets, there is a concentration that comes about. A sort of zen like focus just to make your muscle do something it feels too weak to. If you think too much or about other things, you loose it. Awesome tells me again and again, "DON'T THINK! JUST POWER THROUGH!" and sure enough, when I don't think I can push out another rep if I just drop it all and go blank and DO...almost always I get one more. Sometimes two.... Sometimes more.
And I always feel good when I am done because I can feel my muscles burn and I know that two years ago there is no way I ever could have done this. I've come a long way, baby.
Today was a good day :)
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