The first year I was seperated and waiting to get divorced and dealing with the still very raw, emotional and at times still traumatic presense of the ex...well, that first year was just stay alive, stay sane, and get through it.
The second year found things easing off as his contact had been more sporadic and administrative and I had been able to be away from him for a year and start to recognize the damage he had caused and started to work on identifying how to fix it.
This will be the third year free of him. The first year was just keeping it together, the second was starting to recover, now this third year will be one of rebuilding. Looking to the future.
December 2011 was wonderful but rough as that is the anniversary of the "bad 48 hours" and the seperation. I made a concerted effort to "take back my birthday" as that is when db had decided to pull his crap. Many know that Alpha Male was there for me and with me on my special day this year (and have even seen the pictures) and I made it a point to state, "From now on....better times and good memories!"
So. What happened on New Years Eve? To some this may sound silly or stupid. But for those who have been through this journey with me, they will recognize how huge it was. How huge it is.
On New Years Eve, I spent a quiet family time home with my family. We celebrated and had fun but it was cozy and relaxed. This means, I did not dress up or even put on makeup. I was in my running clothes and had been struggling with a lower back ache (kidney stone it turns out) so was not feeling particularly spiffy or pretty. There was one point where I had this knee jerk thought that I did not want Thomas to see me like that and again (for the billionth time) I could hear db's mean words bounce around in my head about my looks and how unattractive I was.
And I shall never forget because it was different this time. Not sure why THIS time but it was. I was standing at the fridge filling my cup with crushed ice so I could get more iced tea (didn't drink for New Years) and these mean db thoughts crashed around for a sec and I sort of rolled my eyes and heard Thomas loud and clear OVER those words. Suddenly, db had been reduced to this jibbering little monkey boy in the background and I heard Thomas loud and true over him. Telling me how beautful I was. And....then I heard Captain Awesome when he told me how beautiful I was (he did tell me this once, I even still have the text). Then I flashed to Gay Boyfriend telling me how gorgeous I was. Then to that morning snuggling in my Mystery Man's arms. All quiet and warm and comfy. And I recalled thinking that I could not have been that hideous if he cuddled me. But he pleasured my naked body for the second time that morning (meaning he had already been all over it once and it wasn't horrible enough to cause him to make an excuse to avoid it again)...but then he pulled me close and cuddled. And suddenly it occurred to me that db's voice was no longer the loudest. As my cup finished filling with ice, I smiled. Because while he had barged into my thoughts at first...my other wonderful men had caught him in the foyer of my mind and soundly thrashed him on the marble tiles and smartly bounced his worthless ass out of my conscious.
Do you know how wonderful that was?
Some do.
And I was so excited and so happy that I had to gush to Thomas about it. I told him how now I was starting to default to HIS voice and his words and his kindness. That suddenly, db's screaming had been dulled to an annoying monotone. This was such a huge deal to me.
Right then and there I made myself a promise...a resolution. I decided that each and every time I heard db's mean nasty bullshit in my head I would immediately stomp it with the words, actions, and kindess from my other men. (This may seem like a "duh" to some of you but those who have been abused know that this is a process and takes time and isn't always instantaneous or consistant). This year, I resolve to actively work on crushing db's voice. I recognize it might take years for it to fade away. I also recognize that it may never go away completely. But I also recognize that a corner has been turned and some significant healing and nurturing has occurred. I can see that I am not doomed to forever hearing his mean cruel voice above all others. I am seeing evidence that it can and will fade. And I am seeing the value of having such wonderful men around me and mentoring, protecting, and nurturing me.
This year, I resolve to cling to THEIR beautiful words instead of his ugly ones.
This year, I resolve to hear their compliments louder than his insults.
This year, I resolve to think of each gift they have given me (their time, their attention, their little presents), instead of the neglect he gave me.
This year, I resolve to heal more and grow more and love more...mostly, myself.
Happiest Of New Years to all my friends both old and new!!!!
Let's all have a great year!
Josephine Seven
01 January 2012
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