Sometimes The Hardest Thing To Do Is To Quit....

Drying my tears as I wrap up a conversation with my trainer, Captain Awesome. Two weeks ago I experienced a subluxation of the patella (that's a partially dislocated knee cap to you non medical folks) while playing in my adult co-ed soccer league. I have spent the last two weeks being gentle to it, resting it, icing it and not exercising. My doc finally gave me the thumbs up to go back to the gym and I was elated. I managed a light one mile run on Saturday and was so happy.

Then I went out tonight. I had delusions of 5k in my head since Saturday went so well and I was absolutely crushed when during my first section of running I felt a weird wobble in my knee. No pain. But it was almost like it was warning me. I slowed to a walk and took a deep breath and then at the next chime (I use the C25k app) I started to run again very gently. No more wobble or weird and I was very slow and careful but about halfway through I started to feel some discomfort. Not pain exactly but...just off. This resulted in me bursting into tears and wanting to kick myself.

I'll just stop running, I reasoned with myself. I'll walk the rest. Don't give up. Don't be a quitter. I continued on in the pitch dark with the cool Autumn wind chilling me and tears drying on my face. Do not give up. Don't be a quitter. Chime. I thought, let me try this one more time. I did one more minute of running. Again, no pain but I just felt like I was being warned so...

I quit.

I stopped. Turned off my C25k and walked home. In the tumult of thoughts as I walked I remembered when it was the hardest thing in the world for me to finish that same run. I struggled and struggled and struggled and the whole time I said to myself "Don't quit. Don't be a quitter."  Now, here I was, a year later. What a huge difference in my fitness and ability level and now the hardest thing to do was...to quit.

I supposed I should see that as the silver lining to all this. I reached out to Thomas and he told me how proud he was of me and that I was still healing so not to be so hard on myself. Then I reached out to Captain Awesome who kindly and gently told me to cool it. He told me all it takes is that 1% of not being totally healed to re-injure it.  I was devastated and beside myself. I asked him to say something ambiguously motivating so I didn't feel like such a schlump for being a quitter. He promptly told me:

Live to train another day...
This is but a hiccup in the journey...
Remember the BIG picture.

And, suddenly I felt a teeny tiny bit better. I told him that I was not a quitter or lazy...I was being smart and careful.  He assured me more and agreed.

On my left forearm, I have a tattoo. It says, "L'amour est patient, L'amour est gentile". (Love is patient, love is kind). I reminded myself that I must be patient with myself (and that includes my knee as part of myself) and I must be kind to myself by not calling myself names or insulting myself. I recognize the tendency to do that stems from years of living with a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive and I am simply knee jerk mimicking his behavior towards me because after 12 years it got into my system. But, no more.

Now, I have wonderful men who love me. Who don't think I am lazy or a quitter if I get hurt. Who show me support and kindness as I heal. Who are helping me reprogram my perspective. So, I shall "cool it" as Captain Awesome said. I have my knee up with ice on it. I am not going to be a martyr and run AGAIN tomorrow night although I intend to take a walk on Thursday and do spin again on Friday. P and I have plans to run this Saturday with NM so I am going to allow P to run and I will just do a good strong walk and test the running again. I will be patient with the healing process and I will be patient with myself. I will be kind to myself and not mentally parrot all the crap douche bag used to say to me.

And, I will tell my men thank you and how much I appreciate their love and support.